Sony Europe: Colossal Idiots Will Make PS3 A Success

While the Xbox 360 remains strong in North America and the United Kingdom and the Nintendo Wii continues to fly off store shelves the world over, Sony is hoping to stake its claim on Europe with the help of the world's largest demographic: grade A fucking morons.

Citing Nintendo's success with simpletons' infatuation with digital doppelgangers and gentle gaming, Sony Europe feels that Home, the new social playground where user created avatars wait around for hours until the opportunity to mime-rape the rare female avatar appears, is the ultimate lure to this elusive yet profitable buying base.

During a recent visit to the Robotronic Dynamite! offices, Home's European service manager, Dan Hill, said, "We've put together the ultimate user experience. You can buy, with real money, digital clothes licensed to feature name brands for your avatar!"

When asked if he felt Microsoft might have preempted Sony's attempt at reaching the casual gamer with its Avatars, Mr. Hill responded, "While Microsoft's Avatars are a nice attempt at luring soccer moms, nascar dads, senile octogenarians, and bachelor uncles into buy the 360, the fact remains that you can't take your avatar and do rad stuff like buy fake crap at fake stores to dress up your fake apartment! Sony knows what people need in these tough economic times; to waste money on useless shit that won't enrich their lives to any extent whatsoever!"

RD! put in a call to Mr. Fils-Aime of Nintendo to find out if he was at all concerned about Sony's aggressive push for mainstream relevance, but were unable to reach him as he had apparently eaten his phone.

Review: Professor Layton and the Curious Village

Grade: B-
Time Spent Playing: 13 hours


An hour or so into Layton I was prepared to write it off as a 5 dollar grocery store puzzle book, gussied up by a charming cast of characters and gorgeous aesthetic. Having now finished it, that's pretty much exactly what Professor Layton is.

That doesn't make it not fun, I just find the disconnect between the world your exploring and the puzzles you're solving in it to be unappetizing. While I should have been more interested in the carefree goings on of Layton and Luke, I was more focused on finding and solving the inventive and involving puzzles, often to the detriment of my investment in the story and characters. I find that to be a shame because within five minutes of turning the game on I was in love with the whole concept; as if Layton were some cherished cartoon from my childhood given new life on my DS. This is probably why I'm more interested in seeing the upcoming movie than I am playing the sequels.

Thinking about it now, it seems ridiculous that I'm finding such fault with marrying the two aspects of the game that I enjoy so much independently of each other, but I really do think the two don't compliment each other. I will probably give a sequel a try, but I really hope that they make the puzzles more context sensitive to what is actually going on in the story.

Review: Fallout 3

Grade: A+
Time Spent Playing: 20 hours


This is the kind of game I longingly dreamt of when I was a child. Well, that hypothetical game probably had more boobs in it.

My meaning is actually quite simple: Fallout 3 feels, more than any game I can recall, like the evolution of the medium. Instead of being bound to the designer's linear will, I'm free to make my own way. In his infamous essay arguing against video games as art, Roger Ebert cited the observer's control over events as a key reason as to why video games were not art. I would offer this game as the antithesis to that argument. Were it not for the tremendous freedom the player enjoys in Fallout, its commentary on mankind's natural inclination toward petty barbarism and its message that doing good is its own end would be completely lost because it's the choices the player makes that reflect these themes.

But Roger Ebert was silly for writing that article. His point of reference was Myst and, as Bioshock cleverly highlighted last year, the observer generally has little to no control on the outcome of events in a video game.

Fallout 3 begins with your character's birth and gives brief glimpses into his life before he follows dear old Dad into the unknown. As an escapee from an underground vault meant to preserve mankind from annihilation, you will embark on a journey across a ruined world; a wasteland of humanity where might makes right, mutants pillage, abominations devour human flesh, and opportunistic slavers ply their trade. The waste is sparse, irradiated death and the waste is your constant companion.

I find myself drawn to combing the hellish desert more so than kicking around towns and the magnificently rendered ruins of Washington DC. Every moment feels dire. Every moment feels like a possible end awaits nearby. The desert, largely quiet, is indifferent to my trespass; knowing that I too fade away with time.

Fallout 3 isn't perfect, but to list any complaints seems an obtuse task. Much better to use my time reflecting on what an amazing game Bethesda has put together.

john william Divines RD's Oscars of Games

The Robotronic Dynamite! crew is a fickle bunch of semi-evolved apes, spending most of
their time hanging outside liquor stores asking people to buy them a six pack of
Hamm's or submitting letters to Fangoria magazine. When free of those
primary activities, they're usually playing television games! Their
opinions of such things range broadly and trying to guess which
softwares they'll adore is a nigh impossible task. But don't fret!
Take my hand as I peer unto the future and foretell which cd-rom
entertainments will be the apples of our collective eye.

Best Downloadable Game: Castle Crashers

You can throw your dual stick shooters and your artsy fartsy nonsense
and your retro sequels out the window. Castle Crashers combines
beautiful art, great music, fun cooperative play, allusions to classic
gaming moments, and addictive item hunting into the best downloadable
game this year. I hope they release a full priced sequel that's fully
fleshed out.

Honorable Mentions:

Braid - It's good. Damn good. Plus, it's for people who drink and smoke!

Geometry
Wars 2 - I personally am awful at this game, but there's no denying its
popularity and high quality. The new gameplay modes and score baiting
display a thoughtfulness not often seen in downloadable games.

Mega Man 9 - A poetic ode to gameplay past, it's likely to leave you crying on the floor with a sore tush.

Best Survival Horror Game: Dead Space

Without Resident Evil to defend its crown, Dead Space is likely to usurp the throne; for the time being.

Honorable Mentions:

Siren - Downloadable horror goodness, made by a man who hates scary things. Makes sense when you think about it.

Silent Hill: Homecoming - A competent iteration of the series that more or less holds course in lieu of trying anything new.

Condemned
2 - The average attention span of a Robotronic Dynamite staffer is like
that of a fruit fly. Being released way back in February makes it far
too dim a candle in our memory to be our survival horror king.

Best Racing Game: Burnout Paradise

Let's face it, the only genre more stale than racing is sports. Burnout continues to expand its formula while maintaining the fun, arcade style driving. This iteration featured an open world and a streamlined online interface. While its initial merits would likely cement its position as the year's best racer, the devilish lads at Criterion have continued to add value to the title free of charge. New gameplay modes and even motorcycles have been released via DLC. In the future, entire islands will be added to the game.

Honorable Mentions:

Pure - This ATV racer seems to have blind sided gamers, coming out of nowhere with its intense gameplay and stunning visuals. This is a Disney game?

Motorstorm Pacific Rift - The sequel to last year's million plus seller, this version features more varied environments and 16 player online races.

Wipeout HD - Slick visual and six axis enabled gameplay makes for a compelling downloadable package.

Best Platformer: Prince of Persia

The oft beleaguered prince returns in an all new adventure with a beautiful visual overhaul and further mining of the Ico design document. I'd cry foul at Ubisoft's "borrowing" if it didn't make for such an amazing end.

Honorable Mentions:

Little Big Planet: The creation tools look amazing, intuitive and deep, but that'll likely come at the expense of actually playing the game. In terms of sheer platforming joy, I'll stick with the Prince.

Mirror's Edge: I've been hot for this ever since all that was known of it was that it's a spiritual successor to Breakdown made by DICE and we had one teeny weeny thumbnail to ogle. It's unfortunate they farmed out the character designing to Westwood University.

Sonic Unleashed: Somehow, expectations have slowly been warming up for Sonic's next adventure. Needless to say, recent showings prevent me from forecasting this new iteration as this year's likely winner.

Best Action Game: MGS 4

Though it may over indulge in its story telling, there's no denying the
creative attempts by Kojima Studios to try something new. From fourth
wall breaking to visual allusions to previous iterations of the series,
there's little doubt that Kojima and company want to change the way
creators and users approach games.

Honorable Mentions:

Grand
Theft Auto 4 - A great game that's betrayed by uneven tone and
storytelling in the single player and multi player that needed better
organization. As it is, the online component is akin to John Holmes
with erectile dysfunction; the potential is there, but it's too flaccid
to satiate our desires.

Ninja Gaiden 2 - With finely tuned
gameplay, Itagaki's swan song for Tecmo is a gaming triumph. If only
the camera weren't from crazy town.

Mad World - I actually can't
remember if this game will land this year, but the Wii needs some
actual representation on this list.

Best Shooter: Gears of War 2

Joystiq writer and future Beautiful Boy of Gaming
inductee Ludwig Kietzmann once described Gears of War as "monsters versus
testosterone." It's simply impossible to top that descriptor. A
hardcore game made by hardcore developers for hardcore gamers. While
there is a number of high quality shooters releasing this year, Gears
is king. Plain and simple.

Honorable Mentions:

Left 4
Dead - If Gears weren't releasing, this would undoubtedly take the
crown. Zombies, shotguns, multi player, and on-the-fly scenario
adjustment. What part of that isn't amazing?

Resistance 2 -
This will likely be a great game but the only reason you're playing it
is because you're a moron and don't own a 360. Way to go moron!

Brothers
In Arms: Hell's Highway - Lacking in chainsaws but bringing on the
tactics, this will be the WW2 shooter to beat this fall. Now get to
work on Borderlands!

Far Cry 2 - Someone finally took the basic scenario from Yojimbo and made a game. Can't believe it took so long.

Best RPG: Fallout 3

If you're not into exploring a post-apocalyptic wasteland with your
loyal pooch, dismembering mutants, and detonating nukes, I don't want
to be your friend. In fact, it bothers me that you continue to draw
breathe. Go die.

Honorable Mentions:

Lost Odyssey -
Again, another game lost to the depths of pre-fall release hell. And
only a couple of us played it because, despite the vast amount of
evidence to the contrary, we're actually straight and don't cotton to
pretty mens gallivanting across the countryside.

Fable 2 -
Because everyone's grown accustomed to diminishing their expectations,
it's hard to put this game on a pedestal before it releases. The
recent news that online co-op isn't ready for launch is disconcerting,
to say the least.

Tales of Vesperia - Not winning because I'll
likely be the only one to have played it by the end of the year. It's
only real fault is that it isn't Fallout 3.

Best MMORPG: None

The
notion that any parties involved with an MMORPG, whether developer or
player, is a winner is a complete paradox, therefore, no award is
necessary.

Best Box Art: Mega Man 9

Too obvious a choice? Perhaps. But look at it. It's amazing.



Honorable Mentions:

Undoubtedly, this will be a game gone unplayed by us and nearly everyone one of you reading this. That doesn't mean the cover isn't spectacular, though. It reminds of the cover of a pulp adventure novel for young adults.

A nice, highly detailed cover that tricks you into thinking you won't be committing an unforgivable sin against the self and your fellow man by purchasing and playing it.

It features a caveman with sneakers and a t-rex in the background. How did this one not get the win?

Biggest Disappointment: Contested!

Personal disappointment is a tricky thing to gauge, a delicate mixture of unjustified hype and crushing disappointment. So, this particular "honor" will be left undetermined until the end of the year. There are, however, a few titles that I know some RD staffers have soured on.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Spore - Spore is a pretty good game that should have been great. The creation tools are top notch but the meat and potatoes of what you actually do during gameplay makes for a light dinner.

Lost Odyssey - A big budget jrpg from master game designer Hironobu Sakaguchi that was promised to make JoE Shieh cry. It did, but not as expected!

Too Human - Risking a three hour seminar on respecting people's feelings over the internet, it's fair to say this game hit with a large thud. It isn't bad, but a few awful design decisions really drag down the fun. Also, Dyack is kind of a douche.

Alone In the Dark - The game included some novel approaches to game design with its DVD style chapter skipping and a truly intriguing inventory system. Unfortunately, the answer to every monster seemed to be to set it on fire, making most of the item concocting useless. Hopefully the fixes in the PS3 port will redeem this title.

Game of the Year: Gears of War 2

As
certain as I am that Fallout 3 will be my personal fave, I'm fairly
certain the consensus will be behind Gears 2 and its expanded online
gameplay. Plus, we're aching to see its illogical and
indeterminable story. Just, please, no more invincible bosses.

RD! Gets Exlusive Excerpt From Halo Novel

On the 25th day of November, all normal day to day activities will come to a halt in lieu of picking up the newest novel based off the Halo Universe.  In a world wide exclusive, Robotronic Dynamite! has been granted permission to post the prologue from the tome most anticipated by literary critics this year.

Space Year 2506

22 hundred hours

Planet Epsilon 4

The Spartan strode around the death and destruction in a manner that was bad ass even for a Spartan.  Around him were the dead bodies of many Elites. Blue, red, white, and other ones you haven't seen in the games.  One of the bodies twitched and the Spartan pulled his gun from his gun holder.

Bang.

Head shot.

Suddenly, a giant tank attacked him from the rear.  The Spartan spun around and shot him with two guns like in a John Woo movie.

"Tanks for playing," he quipped as he stuck a sticky grenade on the tank.  The tank exploded.

An Elite crawled out of the top. Half of its was body gone.  The Spartan pulled out his rocket launcher and shot it.  Parts of it flew all over the battle field.

"You did a fine job, son," said a voice from his walkie talkie.

"Thanks, Captain Blackheart," said the Spartan.

"We need you two clicks over for a fight!" said Captain Blackheart.

"Yes, sir!" Said the Spartan.  He cocked his shotgun and jumped into his warthog.  No, it was a scorpion.  He jumped into his scorpion and rode toward the new fight.

This is the stroy of a Spartan.  A Spartan name Logan. Logan Kaine.

Nintendo Offers Useless Shit to Compliment Shitty Game Lineup

Nintendo announced that Club Nintendo, a loyalty service in Japan that awards points for Nintendo purchases that are redeemed for useless shit, will make its way to American shores by the end of the year. The move is seen by many industry insiders as Nintendo making amends for its disastrous E3 presentation.

"We want the hardcore Nintendo fans, the ones who have been with us since Mario humped his first flagpole, to know that they come first with us. So, this fall, when they're dutifully buying our shitty games and going on message boards and justifying why they blindly support us, they can do so in some ridiculous, oversized Mario hat that only a complete douche bag would wear," said VP of Thuggery Reggie Fils-Amie shortly after bursting through the wall of Robotronic Dynamite! offices like the Kool-Aid Man.

When pressed for further details, Fils-Amie pushed us against the wall and threatened to beat us up if we didn't hand over our milk money. After we did, he exited through the very hole he'd created only moments before.

MS Attributes Recent Success in Japan to Exclusive RPGs, Xbox Live, and Raping Tentacles

For the second week in a row, the Xbox 360 has managed the seemingly impossible and bested the  PS3 in Japanese hardware sales.  Long considered a lost territory to the American born system due to the complete failure of the original Xbox and the mild reception the 360 had garnered up till now, Japan seems to be slowly awakening to the console's hissing siren call.

In an exclusive phone interview with RD!, Xbox Japan Boss Takashi Sensui said, "We think the audience is responding to the great exclusive RPGs like Tales of Vesperia and Infinite Undiscovery and they are also enjoying the robust online experience provided by Xbox Live.  Also, they really enjoy how it sprouts tentacles and rapes young women."

Sensui revealed that as part of tailoring the New Xbox Experience to Japanese tastes, they've included a feature that allows the Xbox 360 to sprout giant, cephalopodic tentacles that seek out nubile women and rape them.  It was planned to release with the rest of the NXE later this fall, but the situation in Japan was deemed so dire, Sensui approved the release of the beta.

"The full version will be so much more robust," he added. "You'll be able to choose the color, the texture.  Right now they only commit vaginal rape, but the final version will seek out any opening for violation.  It also won't be limited to women; we don't want to leave you guys out on all of the fun! The best part is, the number of tentacles is tied to your gamerscore.  If you have very little gamerscore, you'll only get one tentacle, but if you have over 20,000; oh man, watch out!"

RD! was allowed to download the full version and will be posting our impressions soon.  Needless to say, use of the updated Xbox 360 around the office has proved a great distraction.

Interview With Distinguished Game Writer Fails to Answer Crucial Question: Is she dunkable?

Esteemed video game blog joystiq published an interview with Susan O'Connor conducted at the Austin Game Developer's Conference. While the interview revealed her involvement with some of the best selling and highest reviewed games of recent memory, it failed to answer the question addling most readers: do they want to put it in her?

Robotronic Dynamite met with members of the "Pwnsters of the Universe" clan at a Taco Bell to discuss the situation.

"I mean, it's kind of cool how she progressed from waiting tables to working on casual games to working with Cliffy B, but I'm just not sure if I'd hit it or not," notes Jeremy, a rotund boy wearing his black baseball cap in the backward fashion.

"They have a picture up. She looks pretty cute. I'd fill that void," declared curly haired and pock marked Richard.

"But I heard that was a photoshop job. One guy said she had a turkey neck and was over weight," countered Jeremy.

"I bet she got on atkins," suggested Richard.

"Maybe she has a myspace or something. But then those pictures are always all small and people just pick the ones that make them look good anyway, " added Mike, the clan's top head-shotter.

RD! did some digging into Miss O'Connor and while we learned that she's worked on over twenty games, has been awarded honors from DICE and GDC, and routinely speaks at industry conferences across the globe, it could not be ascertained as to whether or not gamers should want to slang that dang dang. Calls to her office have not been answered.

"Jump" Button In Mega Man 9 To Be DLC

It appears that Capcom's earlier, pre-release announcement that Proto Man
will be available as down loadable content in Mega Man 9 was only the
tip of the iceberg, as a new press release from the respected game
publisher revealed that the ability to jump will also require a
microtransaction. At 2 dollars (200 Wii points, 160 MS points), the jump option will allow players to leap to higher platforms as well
as dodge enemy blasters with ease. The news is already sending
shockwaves throughout the gamer community, such as displayed by neogaf
forum member, kratosephiroth420:



"this is so ghey u know its becaus tehy sold out to M$. damn fuck capcom never should have ported DMC4. there ghey"



In an exclusive phone interview with Robotronic Dynamite!, series
producer Keiji Inafune defended the decision, "People are saying that
the game is virtually unplayable without the jump. This is simply not
true. Look, I'm playing the game right now without the jump and it's fine."



When we reminded Mr. Inafune that we were conducting a phone interview
and therefore could not see him playing the game, he proceeded to
pretend he didn't speak english and hung up.



Stay logged in to RD! for further updates on this breaking story.

Plaintiffs in God of War Copyright Suit Sued By Collective Geniuses

Seemingly inspired by--or perhaps in direct response to--the lawsuit filed against Sony and game designer David Jaffe by screenwriter Jonathan Bissoon-Dath and concept artist Jennifer Barrette-Herzog over supposed similarities between the God of War series and their unproduced movie, Olympiad, a joint suit was filed against the two by a cavalcade of artists and writers--most of whom long deceased--who claim the duo ripped them off long before Sony and Jaffe. Robotronic Dynamite met with a few of the plaintiffs at a popular, downtown cafe.

"Animated skeletons armed with bad ass swords; I came up with that shit!" exclaimed an irate Ray Harryhausen as he thumbed through the rejected screenplay, "It just goes to show that no one wants to bother with new ideas anymore."

"Yeah, good artists borrow, great artists steal, but hacks turn your creations into garbage," added a more reserved Sophocles, renowned genius. He continued, "A guy whose foul temper
results in the unraveling of everything he loves. I wonder where they got that idea?"

I asked the acclaimed tragedian if he were still talking about Olympiad or if he had moved on to critiquing God of War, to which Euripides stepped in:

"It's not like God of War is the most creative thing in the world. I mean; it's fun, but it's also
kind of thugishly stupid. They pretty much cast Stone Cold Steve Austin as the cliched, tragic antihero whose only function is to murder countless people, animals, and gods while occasionally shouting 'Ares!'. Where's the drama? Where's the comment on the human condition?"

The mind that birthed Medea paused for a moment, but continued, "Look, we really
didn't mind all of the blatant ripping off of our work. We're just annoyed that someone would claim that they created it. And that they would lay claim to something as hilariously dumb as God of War. It's insulting, to be honest. I mean, I guess that's what you get when two
hyphenated last names team up with each other."

In response to this lawsuit, Bissoon-Dath mostly shrugs, "They claim that I'm not that
creative. Did they even read my script? Zeus's hands turn into fucking light sabers. That's creative as hell!"

Barrete-Herzog echoes in agreement, "They have the audacity to suggest I didn't create
the idea of rickety bridges spanning bottomless expanses. That's insane! That's never been thought of before. Ever."

Legal experts expect the suit to be a "slam dunk" for the plaintiffs.

Review: Final Fantasy III

Grade: B+
Time Spent Playing: 25 hours


Like most people who aren't Japanese or bored psychopaths, I never played the original Final Fantasy III. If my time spent with FF5 is any indication; I probably would have hated it. To be frank, I didn't expect to enjoy this game as much as I did. I thought I was getting into a grinding, dungeon crawl with free form gameplay that will leave you naked, bruised, bloodied, and dying of pneumonia if you didn't choose your characters' vocations wisely. I was right.

But somehow, I liked what this game was serving up. From the no-fluff opening on, I had a ball piloting my mostly personality vacant warriors toward their collective destiny. After some splendid revolutions in RPG combat over the last few years, going back to basic turn taking should have been a chore. It wasn't. Maybe it's the handheld format or the simple fact that genre staples become staples because they work so well. Though, around hour twenty I started to feel some fatigue with the game, so basic turn based fighting does have its limits.

The story that's here is impressive. The events your party is swept up into hits on some interesting concepts and the characters that befriend you often meet sad and tragic ends. In contrast, your party of characters are pretty dull unless, like me, you groundlessly attribute personality to them and decide your party of savvy transvestites are out to stop Xande because he wears pleated khakis. Fashion faux pas!

I suppose the graphics are nice, but when all the art from Amano showcases an imagination many times greater than the game artists', you can't help but wonder what splendor a fully realized adaptation of his vision would amount to. I never understood why Square employed him only to water down his creations into standard manga fare.

Review: Braid

Grade: A
Time Spent Playing: 6 Hours

I've held off posting my thoughts on Braid because I've been mulling over its story in my mind. Not to spoil anything, but the ending throws a couple of narrative curve balls at you. One is clever and makes sense, the other is dumb; a tortured analogy that comes directly from left field. I've looked at the analysis of the latter from competent minds and, sadly, found support for my conclusions. Time has only reinforced the validity of my interpretation and I have to ultimately admit my disappointment in the narrative.

Not that it effectively affects my affections for the time I spent effecting the game. Up until the final revelations, I was enthralled by this game. The gorgeous hand drawn art; the baroque musical compositions; the allusions to cherished video game memories and Renoit paintings and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; the superlative puzzle design: all exceptional means leading to a remarkable end.

Speaking of puzzles, there are some real doozies here. Braid has the ability to make you feel like both a dumbass and a genius. A few had me absolutely convinced that I lacked some prerequisite platforming skills to solve them, until I convinced myself to start from scratch and try to see things from a different perspective. The game trains you to approach each mystery like a scientist might; before taking any action or making any conclusions, it's best to first observe the subject.

Perhaps, more so than the message of its tenuous metaphor, the true legacy of Braid will be how it imparts the necessity of looking at a problem without preconceived notions of what the solution should be. The positive over the normative.

Or not. The game is great. Go buy it.

Review: Sid Meier's Civilization Revolution

Rating: B+
Time Spent Playing: 20 to 30 hours

There was a point during my time spent with the new console friendly Civ in which I stopped wondering to myself, "why did they take this feature out?" and just started enjoying the game for what it is. I imagine this obstacle will prevent more than a few hardcore Civ fans from fully appreciating what a great and unique experience this game is. It feels, especially when played online with friends, how I imagine a board game version of Civ might feel. It's Catan on steroids.

One of the game's key successes is the controls. Designing a game around a controller produces far better results than trying to cram the complicated controls of a keyboard and mouse into a gamepad. It's for this same reason that I suspect if an RTS will ever find success on a console, it will be one designed specifically for console, a la Halo Wars. There is a bit of a learning curve with acting efficiently--a crucial skill when playing the timed rounds of multiplayer--but after two or three games everyone should be founding cities, researching techs, and reigning bloody devastation upon their enemies with ease.

The transformation of Civ from a primarily single player game to multi player is remarkable. Human opponents make for far more entertaining foils than AI ever will. The idea of everyone moving at the same time seems chaotic but generally works quite well.

There are faults to be found. Single player AI essentially results in every competing civilization waging endless war on you. I've been playing on deity difficulty lately and even when I'm in near last place in every category, even as the French are launching their space station into space, all focus is on my English rubes who've barely figured out rail roads.

Multi player probably drags on a bit too long for anything outside of play with friends. Gameplay is titled far more towards winning by Domination and Monetary victories. I don't recall anyone ever winning via Culture.

As far as elements from previous Civs dropped for this game, there is only one that I find truly annoying and mystifying as to its absence. The ability to upgrade units to their new tech equivalent with gold. As it is, it can only be done by building a specific wonder, making that wonder far more useful than just about any other.

Kefling Apocalypse

For my money, Ninja Bee is the best and most consistent developer of down-loadable XBLA-style games. Where Pixel Junk seems to produce stylish hacketry--seriously, let's take a completely free game and slap some art from a boutique store on it--Ninja Bee puts out fun, well designed games that can be enjoyed in ten minute play sessions. Yet for some reason Pixel Junk enjoys undeserved praise, while Ninja Bee keeps working, unsung.

Well, hopefully that nonsense will end with their newest title, A Kingdom for Keflings. As seen in the video, I like the use of an in game avatar as the builder; opposed to the typical god-in-the-sky interface most of these games employ. It reminds me of those rowdy weekends wherein my friends and I, high on Doritos and Coca-Cola, would play hours long sessions of Herzog Zwei.



In case you're unfamiliar with Ninja Bee's fine assortment of games, here's a good place to start.

The Dumb Rule the World: Blood Playstation

I was going to make the first post of the new recurring column, The Dumb Rule the World, about the kerfuffle over RE5. Seeing as Capcom has either given in to the complaints of the irrational knee jerkers out there or they really did plan all along to present Africa as a place largely populated by whitey, there really isn't much to add to the story.

Luckily, there are more dumb people to make fun of.

I bet you always thought playing your tv games was an activity that really didn't bother other people. Sure, sometimes you left the volume up too loud and woke up your neighbor, but that was it. I bet you didn't realize that your thirst for Metal Gears and Final Fantasies was quenched with the blood of child slaves.

Now that your eyes have been opened to the atrocities of console manufacturing, here are some other factoidoids to think about.

The special coating on Blu Ray discs is actually made from juicing the eyes of kittens and puppies.

The Xbox 360 isn't actually overheating due to faulty design. There's a tiny portal to Hell in the back of each one where Beelzebub and his ilk transmit messages to you while you sleep so you'll rape, murder, and cannibalize your whole family. M$ (see what I did there?) really is an evil corporation!

The battery packs found in wireless controllers are made from the crushed bones of Somali war orphans.

As part of his research during the concept development phase of Pikmin, Shigeru Miyamoto would regularly kidnap small boys and drown then in the pond behind his house.

Project Disappointment

Fear was a solid game that was over-appreciated, as is their custom, by PC fps enthusiasts for its impressive technical qualities. Its biggest fault--more so than even the generic, Saturday morning cartoon look of the enemies--was the environments. Office buildings are terrible places to work; I don't know why anyne would set a game there.

For whatever reason, the devs decided to once more head back into the world of cubicles and break rooms. I was also hoping for a new villain, as creepy little girl spirits bent on indiscriminate vengeance is cliche at this point. Maybe I'll pick it up for the multiplayer that no one but the psychopaths who memorize spawn patterns will bother to particpate in.

Blah.

Game of the Year 2008: Confirmed

Perhaps you're thinking to yourself, "maybe he's jumping the gun here. There's a ton of great, high quality games coming out this year. And some people don't like games that give you the freedom to do whatever you want."

Just remember: you're dumb and John William is very, very smart.

Review: Grand Theft Auto 4

Grade: A
Time Spent Playing: 5oo billion million hours

Sometimes, developers want to reinvent the wheel. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that they defiantly refuse to observe the progress made by their peers. Rockstar falls into the latter category. The online multiplay interface in GTA 4 is beyond dumb. Why can't I set up my own games any time I wish? Why do I have to be lucky enough to be the douche with the fastest connection? Why can't I search for rooms that exclusively disallow auto-aim? Why do I consistently lose party members when we exit party mode to give the matchmaking games a try?

Why was it a better decision to allow online players access to a neutered version of the entire city instead of say, limiting us to one feature full island at a time? How much fun would it be to have drunk driving contests? Or maybe just shoot some pool and play some darts. It was really disappointing to excitedly ditch whatever mission we were doing, pissing off the English twits we were assigned by Rockstar to play with, and run in the strip club expecting a bar full of dancers and patrons to set fire to only to find a gloomily empty set.

Speaking of the strippers; why are their bodies so horrifying to behold? It's like the graphics in this game are fantastic as long as the models keep their clothes on. It's as if a voodoo priest unleashed a curse on Liberty City that causes the undead to gyrate against our penises instead of eating our brains. I'm not sure which is the more horrifying prospect.

But at least the animation is good. Except when Rockstar decides to sacrifice controls for the sake of smooth animation. Sometimes, I just want Nico's eastern european ass to turn around. He doesn't need to shift his weight and lean into it in with hyper-realism. He needs to do it fast because there's some Russian asshole shooting me in the back of the head. Damn it. I felt like I was playing Flash Back at times.

Speaking of controls: screw the helicopter! Why does it take five seconds for Nico to jump out of the damn thing? And when he does, why can't he have a parachute? I mean, I'm not that obsessive over features that were left out, but why the parachutes? Why, with a game that features dozens of skyscrapers to base jump from, would they not include the parachute? Was it really more important to have a hundred hours of not-that-funny radio satire than to have a really fun gameplay feature?

Seriously, Rockstar. You're teetering into A- territory here. You might as well sell out to EA now because as far as I'm concerned, the magic is gone.

Review: Army of Two

Grade: B
Time Spent Playing: 5 hours

Before I get into this review, I should note that I never played any part of this game in single player. I have a feeling that playing the campaign by yourself is a dreadful task equaled only by watching baseball or, even worse, playing baseball.

Also, I had a fair number of beers. So, taking a wild guess, playing this game by yourself and sober would probably be a C- experience.

Anyway, with cold High Life's at the ready and my very own Joey Coco in tow, I set about making my way through the bullets and bombs dude-athon that is Army of Two. There is some sort of story in the game that has you shooting lots and lots of thugs of differing ethnicities in exotic locales culminating with a face off with a guy with a brohawk. To be honest, I purposefully didn't pay attention to the story and my experience was likely the better for it.

While the graphics and audio are of remarkable quality, what truly shines in this game is the cooperative gunplay. While the first few levels allow you to run from room to room like a couple of rambos, the difficulty soon swings upward and with it, the fun. Once you're forced to play smart and use cover and makes use of cooperative tactics, the game goes from amusing yet forgettable shoot 'em up to an engaging and often challenging experience.

There are also fun little additions like the "fist pump" button and the ability to literally pimp out your weapons. On the other hand, the weapons store is somewhat mystifying, featuring weapons so expensive we still didn't have the money to purchase them on the very last level of the game.

I'm looking forward to this game's inevitable sequel. While it does have its flaws, it succeeds in spite of them. With proper handling, the sequel could be the triple A title this one so desperately wanted to be.

A personal note: Sorry it's been so long since I updated this blog. I recently uprooted myself from Louisville and moved to the milder climes of Portland, Oregon. Expect me to start arbitrarily drifting into rants about the merits of riding bikes and eating organic food.

Review: Lost

Grade: C
Time Spent Playing: 4 hours
Rental Only!

It's difficult to gauge the overall quality of Lost. It's entirely dependent on whether you're a fan of the show. If that isn't the case, then don't even bother reading the rest of the review because there is very little here to warrant playing through for a non-fan. I do, however, make one funny joke, so maybe it's worth your time.

This is pretty much fan-service in interactive form. There's some kind of adventure game tucked away in here but I can't think of better way to describe it than as being gentle-adventure gaming. The backdrops are gorgeous; some of the best graphics I've seen period. The characters models based on the actors we're familiar with range from funny to scary. Micheal reminded me of what the Little Rascal character Buckwheat might have looked like in his teen years had the cast not been put to death by their studio overlords upon reaching puberty.

The story is a mixed bag. While the character's story on the island isn't that engaging and disappointingly ends with a Wizard of Oz twist, the story in his flash backs is interesting because it turns out he was kind of a huge piece of shit in his past life. While games like GTA and Saint's Row have you playing as morally reprehensible jackasses, it doesn't really matter in terms of the viewer's connection to the story because there's a cartoonish detachment to the world and the characters. The story presented in Lost's flashbacks will actually shock you. I distinctly recall thinking to myself, "Wow. What a piece of shit."

The gameplay isn't so much broken as it is boring. The hardest parts are generally when you're making your way to different areas on the island, avoiding the monster and the Others who, in the games biggest departure from the show, spend most of their time hanging out in trees shooting at hapless travelers. You'll also have to do some spelunking, which really isn't that much fun either. To aid you in your quest, you'll barter for useful items like guns and torches with items like chocolate bars and beers that you find as you explore the island.

So I begrudgingly recommend a playthrough for Losties. Do be aware it's not that great of a game. It has some nice visuals and the character may eventually be introduced on the show.

For your consideration: Metal Arms

Retail uber-failure Metal Arms drops to Xbox Originals this week and I hope anyone reading who hasn't played it gives it a whirl. Not just because it's a great game--and man is it awesome--but because I'd really like to see Microsoft focus on the great games of Xbox that bombed and buying this game will lead them in that direction. Who cares about Halo and Splinter Cell; 90% of us have already played them.

Metal Arms is a mixture of platforming and 3rd-person shooting. It features inspired level design and some truly awesome weapons, my favorite being the tether that lets you control other robits.

As to why this game failed? I think it fell into much the same trap as Psychonauts; a kiddie-aesthetic that hid truly engaging gameplay catered to hardcore tastes. The guys who made it, Swinging Ape, were hired by Blizzard to make Starcraft: Ghost, which is the only reason any of us should be disappointed that particular game never came out.

But you don't have to take my word for it. Head on down to your local Xbox Live Marketplace and download it today!

Review: Stranglehold

Grade: C-
Time Spent Playing: 5-6 hours

If I were reviewing Stranglehold based off of the first level, I could have provided some kind of awesome pull quote like, "A thrilling, thrill-a-minute, thrill ride!" Regrettably, the developers opted not to call it a day after finishing the first level and soldiered on, making sure to quash any potential this title might have had. Not that there isn't any fun to be had on the third level; it's just that in between bouts of destroying meticulously constructed set pieces, you have notions of, "I'm doing the exact same thing over and over again. But man, is it pretty."

It was about halfway through the Museum of Chicago level that I started to transition from thinking this was a fun, if repetitive shooter to realizing the game kinda sucks. What happened? The enemies--the common enemies--became bullet sponges, forcing you to spend most of your time taking cover instead of pulling off the silly, flashy maneuvers the game was sold on. It was then that I started to really hate the "go into a room, clear guys, now clear fifty more guys who will randomly pop out of eight to ten different doors--sometimes right behind you!" formula.

The other main offense, stupidly lame boss battles, isn't worth complaining about because, honestly, I would have still liked the game a lot if that was all that was wrong with it. By the end of it, as I died over and over again, I questioned why I was bothering. Surely, it was the amazing and compelling story that pushed me forward.

Nah. The story is insipid. I wonder why they bothered coming up with justification for what could be called, "Chow Yun Fat Shoots Thousands of Chinamen in their Bing Bongs." It has something to do with a past lover I don't remember from Hard Boiled and a daughter they had together and something about bringing balance back to the force by shooting as many Chinese people in the ball sack as possible. What's even worse was the presentation. Some of the Chinese characters speak normal, mid-west English while others sound like they're auditioning for Kung Fu: The Animated Series. Perhaps it's some clever comment on the state of ABC versus FOB relations.

For his part, I'm fairly certain Chow phoned his lines in from a bar where one of the producers said to him, "Just figure out ten or so different ways to say, 'I don't need my badge, I'm doing things MY way!' and we'll cut them into the story."

So, in the end: play the demo. Play it two or three times. Skip the full game.

New PS3 Ad Harkens Back to a Holocaustier Time

Apparently yearning to scratch that Nazi nostalgia itch alive in none of us, Sony released this hilariously awful and disgusting piece of advertising.



Click here for the big version!

Review: The Simpsons

Saxamaphone.

Grade: C+
Time Spent Playing: Around five hours

It should be noted that had the Simpsons game started out with a Hostel parody in which Lisa is gruesomely murdered I probably would have given it an A++. Tragically, EA did not have the wherewithal to make my common sensical suggestion a reality. What's more, they actually force you to play as Lisa. Ignoring the urge to send a bullet barreling through your brain everytime you hear her proclaim "Girl Power!" is a mini-game in and of itself.

Which takes me to my larger problem: Why am I playing anyone but Homer? Homer Simpson is late 20th century's sole addition to the ongoing endeavor of western literature. Marge is fine as his foil but after hearing the same intentionally bad joke 20 times over, you forget the intent of the writers and realize it's just bad. Lisa is Lisa, and if you can't intuit why she sucks you probably should swallow some tacks or something. Bart is ok, and is probably necessary because it doesn't make much sense for Homer to interact with myriad of kid characters from the show, but in all honestly he stopped being cool when I turned 13 or so.

Yes. Homer is who we crave to play.

The Simpsons is an action/puzzler/platformer. The puzzling is its strongest element. The fighting is infuriating as the characters' melee attacks are so limited and unpowerful and their ranged attacks have a seriously limited ammo supply. The platforming is ok, but never great. That's the overall impression of this game. It never works the magic that truly good games do. I had to literally play the game in 30 minute intervals lest I get too bored. All the pieces are there, they're just not working as they should. Taste the mediocrity.

The graphics are pretty good, though they really should have have drawn thicker lines around the characters to help them pop out and to reduce the jaggedness. I was playing in 1080 resolution and the lines still didn't look clean.

The saddest part: I don't remember laughing more than a handful of times during my entire play through.

Comments From Idiots

I derive a perverse pleasure from comments provided by morons on video games news sites, so I decided to start a regular column where everyone could enjoy them. I can't guarantee how often I'll do this, because it's totally dependent on how often the websites decide to post flame bait.

For my inaugural post on this topic, I've used Joystiq's recent poll over which console players expect to buy GTA4 for. It seems to me there are a few reasonable arguments.

For either:

I prefer the controller
I only own this particular system
More of my friends own this system and I'd like to play with them
I simply prefer to play on this system
Through shady dealings, I'm getting it for this console for free/discounted

PS3:
Playing online is free
Due to it's largely superior specs, I believe it will be better on PS3

Xbox 360:
Achievements
Exclusive downloadable content
Custom soundtracks
Though it costs more, Xbox live provides a better experience than PSN

If I left anything out, please forgive me.

Now, let the retardation begin!


phizzy contends:

"Achievements don't make a game better. Certainly don't make a game 'fuller'. They just give you the opportunity to wave your imaginary penis about at internet people."

I often wonder what it's like to one day wake up stupid.

ridgerich79 says: "I really don't care about the multiplayer b/c I haven't been playing my 360 lately."

It's called a non sequitur. Look it up.

He goes on: "I also hope R* doesn't screw up the PS3 ver. like many other 3rd party publishers have done in the past. What am I saying, this is R*, who actually care about the games they make unlike other publishers *cough*EA/Valve*cough*"

Yes. Valve doesn't care about the games it releases.

Fag.

mystic opines: "God I LOVE you idiots who scream RROD. I only know one other person who owns a PS3 besides me, and guess what, his PS3 DIED ON HIM a week after he got it! It's not so much the 360 is a higher failure rate, it's because the 360 is played more, and it's because you dumb sony fanboys don't go screaming on the internet when it breaks because you LOVE your Sony brand and don't want to tarnish your favorite brand and company. Get a mind of your own kids."

Le sigh.

Of course, I can sort of understand his frustration with posts like this, from "this guy":

"As of now, I'm leaning toward PS3 though because it's a much more reliable system. 360 is always breaking down. "

My Xbox 360 broke down once. Once broken down, it would not play any games. I sent if off and got a repaired one. How exactly do you keep playing a system that is constantly breaking down? Why haven't you sent it back for repair? What does dick taste like?

rc adds: "There is a lot of buzz out there that GTA IV runs and looks better on the PS3."


Yeah. My mom told me while she poured milk into my wheaties.

hdhrant suggests: "There should be 2 more options: Both & Neither."

Show me the person that buys two console versions of a game and I'll show you someone who eats turds for quarters.

please writes: "Xbox owners get 100 hours of comfort

PS owners get future arthritis(unless you have Asian effeminate hands)"

Actually, in burning Asians, this kid is dead on.

Dude's hand to hand fighting a tank

Other than the original Xbox caliber graphics, I don't see what not love about this game. Admittedly, the very last sequence did remind of those commercials for the first Conflict game that showed Saddam in the player's cross hairs.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. ever.

Retro Review: Stubbs the Zombie

Grade: C+
Time Spent Playing: 5 hours

The most enjoyable part of Stubbs is when you build up a platoon of zombie recruits and, like an undead papa, watch them stumble out and destroy humanity without your direct guidance. Unfortunately, these moments are few and far between. I can imagine the dilemma for the designers: you don't want a passive experience to be the most enjoyable part of a game. So, they make the player take a more active, action game approach to getting past many of the levels; which doesn't work so well with a cumbersome zombie fighting speedier humans who can backpedal as quickly as you can lurch toward them. As to your horde: it rarely grows larger than six or seven zombies and the humans, whose melee attacks are more powerful than gun shots, can generally wipe them out with little trouble; especially in the middle and later levels when they start wielding shotguns and automatic rifles. In the very last levels you pretty much have to do everything yourself, which is where my dissatisfaction really took hold.

Stubbs has an absolute wealth of potential, so I wonder if it was due to a lack of time and resources instead of poor decision making that led to its mediocrity. It certainly feels like an unfinished product. The levels are large but empty. There's little to interact with. The objects that are there are cemented in place. I distinctly remember running into a park bench with a jeep and getting nothing but a dull thud as my jeep came to an abrupt stop with neither the jeep or the bench look the worse for wear. There's rarely many citizens running about, which is odd considering the PS2 grade visuals. Maybe all of the Xbox's processing power was taken up putting on that annoying, old timey screen filter.

Stubbs does succeed in the charm and writing departments. While poking fun at the 1950s is trite at this point, the game does succeed in making you laugh on purpose. One of my favorite jokes was the gas station robot that refuels cars by literally having sex with them. Stubbs also has the distinction of having the only rhythm mini-game that I recall enjoying; a dance off against a midget police chief to covers of old songs performed by new indie and indie-oid* bands.

Speaking of the music, the first thing I did upon firing up the game was find the soundtrack. It's really good but, continuing in the line of perplexing things about this game, pretty much only shows up on the title screen. Beyond that is the dance contest and then one other time, in a diner, one of the songs plays from a jukebox. All told, you hear less than half of the soundtrack, including some of the very best executed covers on it. I'll post a review of the sound track later.

There are other, small things that Stubbs does right. For one, there are a number of different brain eating animations, adding variety to the same basic task. Ripping off a guy's arm and beating him with it is pretty fun as well

I really wish that Stubbs had lived up to its monstrous potential. Perhaps after Wideload finishes up Hail to the Chimp, they'll take another look at Stubbs. Give it elements of pikmin or lemmings, don't treat Stubbs like an action hero, add more interaction with the world, put dozens of characters on screen, make use of a great soundtrack you undoubtedly spent loads of money on, retain the humor; I think you have a triple A title.

*Indie-oid: a word I just made up to describe indie-esque bands that are actually on major labels. Like to Built to Spill, who, unfortunately, aren't on the Stubbs soundtrack.

Archive Footage, Radical Graphics, Marketing Lies, and White Supremacy

Classic Sega: Having all of the dumb ideas before anyone else...

Retro Review: Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath

Grade: A-
Time Spent Playing: 8 - 10 hours

Stop what you're doing. Grab a belt. Walk to a mirror. Pull your pants down. Start flogging yourself while you recite, "I'm a dirty little slut bitch." Don't feel too ashamed, because I'm right there with you, bruised ass and tears streaming.

Our crime? Ignoring Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath when it dropped three years ago. Sure, we can blame Microsoft Studios for drop kicking Lorne and company when they showed up late with a game they weren't supposed to be making. Or we can pin the onus on EA for picking up the game with the express purpose of making a sizable equipment donation to the mini-frisbee championship of the world.

But we all knew about this game. We knew it was coming. We knew Oddworld Inhabitants made good games. And for whatever reason, we shunned it. Probably because we're assholes.



Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath tells the story of Stranger, a lion-goat-thingy bounty hunter that's desperately trying to earn 20K to pay for a mysterious, life-saving surgery. It has pretty much no connection with any of the other games, except that it takes place on Oddworld, albeit on a heretofore unseen part of it and the bad guys, predictably, are corporate mooks. Unlike the industrial-nightmare backdrop of previous games, Stranger's world is directly inspired the frontier west of North America. And what a lush, beautiful representation of that forgotten country it is.



The graphics may be the absolute best the Xbox ever produced. The models are highly detailed and are clearly the result of hours of love and thoughtful design while the surroundings beckon you to explore by their beauty alone. It truly would have been an aesthetic crime if EA had succeeded in forcing the devs to make a PS2 version. I imagine it would be something akin to the way Don Swayze looks like his brother Patrick Swayze; there's a resemblance, but it's a retarded resemblance.

Of special note is that there is very, very little loading. Journeying from region to region is seamless.




The gameplay is a peculiar mixture of third-person platforming and first-person shooting. In platformer mode, you run faster and have longer jumps and can wallop enemies with headbutts and tornado punches. First-person allows you use of the crossbow, which, instead of arrows, fires different little creatures that vary in purpose and strength. I can see why the big publishers likely held this game pinched between their thumb and pointer fingers, holding their noses with their free hand. I'm an experienced gamer--one eager to play this game--and it took me a while to really get into the flow of switching between the two. Even after having beat it, I wonder if the game wouldn't have been better served by keeping all of the action in third-person. Perhaps, instead of switching to first-person, clicking the right stick could have allowed an over-over-the-shoulder view with strafing controls.




The flow of the game, at least the first two-thirds or so of it, is similar to that of Shadow of the Collossus. You're presented with a large, continuous world--though more limited than Colossus--where you hunt down bosses who are essentially gameplay puzzles. On the way to bosses you have to take out scores of lesser bandits and explore the area for gold and ammo. To collect a bounty on those bandits and bosses, you suck defeated enemies up ghostbusters style. You're rewarded with more moolah for live enemies, which in turn adds a nice level of difficulty for people like me who simply can't deal with the possibility there might be some power up or upgrade that I'll not be able to afford. The last third of the game is much more linear as larger events push the story forward.

Speaking of the story; it's what you should expect of Lorne Lanning. Industrialists are inherently evil and people stuck in the stone age--sorry, people who live in harmony with nature--are, by default, good. Someday, I'd like for Lorne Lanning to explain how exactly we could have things like computers and aeroplanes and vaccines for deadly diseases without the wealth and technology brought on by the industrial revolution. But whatever. In all likelihood, most players won't care and unlike another preachy game, it never detracts from the experience. Outside of the message angle, the story is pretty straight forward. There is a major twist two-thirds in that, upon further reflection, doesn't make much sense even though you'll likely see it coming. There's a final twist at the very end that actually makes no sense whatsoever.

I will contend, however, that Stranger is a likable and interesting character. What he was willing to do to himself was poignantly sad and in the end, I'm not so sure he cared for the plight of the natives. He seemed more motivated by killing the guy who put a huge bounty on his head than with helping the natives win back their land. I could be wrong about that, but given this supposed to be a western, a genre known for morally ambiguous heroes, I don't think I'm stretching


The caveats:

Much like another great but under performing Xbox game developed by an ace adventure game designer, certain faults betray the inexperience of its creators with an unfamiliar genre. The difficulty can be quite erratic and the enemies are all perfect shots; the automatic-weapon wielding baddies will bullseye you from vast distances while snipers will hit you even at full gallop. Some of the bosses will induce hair pulling, while the final boss is ridiculously easy.

Remember where I mentioned sucking up enemies? That's how you'll die 90% of the time because the bad guys love shooting you when you do it. And because they only stay unconscious for about five seconds, you often have to resort to trying to capture them in the middle of firefights. Taking on a group of six enemies can be annoying, often requiring you to fall back and snare them as they follow you one by one.

A final buggaboo: I took great care to capture all of my main bounties and the vast majority of the henchmen alive and there is little reward for it. The aforementioned story twist makes all of the money you made worthless and I'm convinced I could have afforded all of the powerups had I killed everyone. Nor is there a special ending for going out of your way to save lives.

But even given those complaints, this is an excellent game. The game world realized is beyond what most developers are even striving for. It's a shame this put Oddworld Inhabitants out of the game business.

Note to Indie developers: I got your physics based game right here!

Retro Review: God of War

Grade: B+
Time Spent Playing: 8 - 10 hours

I actually did try to play this one when it first came out, but the disc was bad and the rental store didn't have any more so I traded it for Doom 3--which I liked, thankyouverymuch.

In God of War, you spend most of your time mercilessly smashing your controller buttons and grunting. In this respect, you really become one with Kratos.

Kratos is actually a character I designed for my never-developed, mid-nineties fighting game, Phancy Disembowler II. To their credit, Sony added a nice dimension to his character by having him yell "Ares!" every few minutes. Plus, he totally bangs chicks (two at a time!) and
feels nothing for his fellow man.

Ok, so I think Kratos is a stupid character. Luckily, this game is really fun. The detailed level deisgn is spectacular and the graphics are amazing for their time. The puzzles, in particular, I found to be truly a joy. The melee combat is fun, though you have to do way too much of it. In fact, it will be a while before I play God of War II because getting locked in a room and fighting off hordes of monsters for 30 minutes just doesn't sound too appetizing at the moment.

Review: Mass Effect: Bring Down the Sky

Grade: B-
Time Spent Playing: 90 minutes

If you're going into Bring Down the Sky like I did, thinking it was comparable to the main story missions of the game, you're going to be disappointed. What's here is effectively a beefed up side mission. The locales are put together by previously existing assets as far as I can tell and there is little here that isn't like 99% of the rest of the game. Of course, the rest of this game is friggin' amazing so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

I have to admit, the Batarians are pretty cool, but the story here is straight forward. The Batarian Osama Bin Laden wants to crash an asteroid onto a colony of millions of people in retribution for perceived offenses against his kind. You have to stop him. There's no twist here at the end.

It would have been cool if this download added more to the game, like the Batarians themselves. Just because their civilization lives in self-imposed exile doesn't mean there can't be individual Batarians running around Citadel space, perhaps acting as catalysts for other side missions or small story segments.

The saving grace is the gameplay. It could be that I'm playing through on hard--or whatever they call it in this game--but this was a really tough mission. Your enemies are tenacious bastards who will use every tech/biotic power in the game against you. One enjoyable segment had me navigating a mine field while jerkwads fired at me from cover.

Five bucks just seems like too much to pay for what you're getting. Had they actually used the Batarians to expand the game universe or delivered an experience more on the level of the main missions of Mass Effect, then I could unabashedly recommend it. As it stands, it's really only for people who enjoy challenging gameplay.

A beat 'em up endorsed by PETA

Ignore the not very funny commentating.




I can't believe I don't even remember this game. I thought my long Friday nights at the roller rink as a prepubescent lad had exposed me to every quarter munching beat 'em up there was. It's too bad the gameplay is subpar because I really want to play this game.

I love the insane, Saturday morning cartoon logic of guys who could clearly make millions as arm dealers settling for animal poaching. Also amazing, that the multitudes of dames you violate are dressed more for an office job than a day in sub-Saharan Africa.

Review: Bully: Scholarship Edition

Grade: B+
Time Spent Playing: 30 hours

Bully is essentially a GTA game without all of the annoying bits. By keeping the world smaller and more focused, it's more detailed and subsequently feels more real than any of the GTA 3 iterations. Unlike the denizens of a GTA world, you actually recognize your classmates as they wander about, becoming familiar over time. Yeah, you can't massacre scores of nameless, purposeless people, but you do get to pinch girls' bottoms and bombard teachers with stink bombs.

Instead of gunplay, most of the combat is hand-to-hand. The combat engine, while not particularly deep, is fun and effective; plus, it evolves over time. It also has the welcome benefit of not having to load into a seperate game engine, unlike a certain other open world beat 'em up. Supplementing your melee attacks are items like marbles, firecrackers, and a spud gun.

Of special interest to me is the soundtrack, provided by the talented Shawn Lee. It spans a multitude of genres and some of the tunes are clearly inspired by classics like Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. It's all really catchy and actually warrants a listening outside of the game.

When I played Bully on the PS2, I probably would have given it an A+. It's only diminished now because of its PS2 roots and as it's a brand new release for a current gen console, I have to judge it on that basis.

The constant load times are my biggest problem; every time the game loads a cut scene or you enter or exit a building it goes to a loading screen. I recognize fixing that probably would have meant rebuilding the game from the ground up on the 360, but when the nearly-two-years-old Saint's Row offers seamless transitions, I expect it as a gamer.

The 360 version does sport "updated" graphics and while the cleaner textures are nice for the environments, they have the unfortunate effect of making many of the character models look uglier.

The multi-player offering is laughable, simply allowing you to compete offline against a friend in one of nine mini-games. Again, I point to another GTA clone, Crackdown, which allowed two players--online--to have fun playing in the sandbox.

Another disappointment, though related entirely to it being a 360 game, is the achievements. Where a sandbox game should be ideal for fun, imaginative achievements, a la Dead Rising, most of what's here feels like busy work. For example, instead of an achievement that rewards you for finding all of the different boys and girls you can lock lips with, you simply just need to do it a certain number of times. So find a dude or chick to kiss and just keep pressing the A button for five minutes and you get an achievement. Extremely lame are ones that have you giving 50 wedgies, kicking 100 soccer balls, or doing 200 wheelies. A couple did actually inspire me to think of ways to complete them faster. For example, one achievement required I trip 25 people with marbles, so I set them up by the dorm exit and pulled the fire alarm.

I hope Rockstar gets a lot more imaginative with the GTA 4 achievements.

As a final note, I didn't have the same problems other people seemed to have had with the game running like ass. It did occasionally crash, but I'd estimate it was about three times out of a 30 hour game. So, if you have an older 360, you may want to wait for the promised patch before firing the game up, because I understand it's almost game ruining for many people.

The Darkening

I really enjoyed my time with the Darkness, but one thing it didn't have was a fun multi-player mode. What's more is that when I did actually try to play it, I got my ass completely kicked by people who I'm convinced were only playing the multi for the achievements. So anyway, they're releasing a new map for free. I can only assume it was part of an abandoned plan to offer numerous maps for actual money.

I really liked that game, but I think if they were to keep working on it, maybe they could have worked on the AI of your darkling buddies so they weren't so damn useless in fire fights. It would be enough to get me to play through it again, at least.

I give this blog a fully erect penis!

So, at first I opted not to put scores on my reviews, but then I realized it might be hard to discern whether or not I actually enjoyed a game because sometimes I get caught up in the criticism of it. While that problem could easily be solved by better writing, I'm taking the path more traveled and just sticking a letter grade on 'em. What's more, I'll also designate whether I think a game is only a rental and the approximate time I spent playing. Is it ethical to review something I could only stomach for a couple of hours? Personally, I think it matters a lot if I couldn't be bothered to play more than that.

While I will update my past reviews, I'll go ahead and give a quick summary of the games I've reviewed thus far:

Mass Effect: A-, 40 hours
Metal Gear Solid 3: B-, 12 hours
Harvey Birdman: B, rental only, two hours
Yakuza: B, 15 hours

So, now I'm noticing that I'm giving everything relatively high scores. Oh well, that's what happens when you pick what you want to write about.

As an aside, I actually support scores. Many people poo poo them because lazy readers will focus too much on the score, ignoring the breadth of the review. But as a lazy reader, I know there've been times where I read a review I would have normally skipped over because the score wasn't what I expected. So take that, fags.

Retro Review: Yakuza

Grade: B
Time Spent Playing: 15 hours

Meet Kazuma, awesome badass. As a soldier in the Yakuza, it's his job to collect money and administer beatings where appropriate (hint:it's always appropriate!). Unfortunately for this bare knuckled warrior, he also has this silly sense of honor which gets him into a heap of trouble early in the game and subsequently drives the story.

I remember, years ago, when this game was being previewed, it was often described as a streamlined Shenmue. And that's a fair descriptor; one that carries with it both negatives and positives.

It's similar to Shenmue in that it presents a living world for you to interact with. Though, instead of a small Japanese town or Chinese ghetto, you get to run amok in the Shinjuku district of Tokyo. It does offer less interactivity--no knocking on random strangers' doors--but it still feels like a real place. From what I understand, the representation of Tokyo's red light district is authentic. Except maybe the public park run by hobos that only has one entrance, through a public men's room. Did I also mention that the same hobo dominated park also leads to an underground--literally--black market where the rich and powerful can gamble and buy prostitutes?


In contrast to Shenmue, you're not bogged down with chores, day jobs, bed times, and painfully sex-free relationships with females. Unfortunately, the fighting has been stripped down too, to the point that it's insulting to compare that aspect.

It's a shame the fighting is so simple, because you do a shit ton of it. I'm not even talking about your missions, which offer plenty of opportunity to split lips and bruise egos. I'm talking about random battles. Yeah, like a jrpg. Leave your hideout intending to walk a couple blocks to meet your paid-for-girlfriend and you're bound to get into about three random battles. You do learn new moves and such, but it's pretty much button mashing the whole way through. The saving grace here is the joy found in picking up objects and beating the hell of people. Perhaps if I wasn't forced to do so much of it I wouldn't be as down on it.

The biggest draw for Yakuza is the world it portrays and the story unfolding within it. While the story does start off incredibly strong, in the end it gets too big and borders on ridiculous. It's still good enough to keep you playing, to find out what happens next, but it is disappointing when the potential of the first few hours was so high.

In the end, I'd recommend Yakuza. While the fighting and story do falter, the world realized is worth the price of admission. And Kazuma is a total badass.

The case against rhythm games

As a true gaming enthusiast, I pride myself on enjoying a wide range of game genres. Shooters, action, strategy, rpg, jrpg, fighting, puzzlers; hell, I can even get into Madden if I want to. But there is one genre that just isn't for me: rhythm games. But believe me, this isn't just a personal choice or inclination, I can lay out an objective argument as to why they are the flipper babies of games.

1) Where as most games feature both reactive and proactive gameplay, with the better games leaning toward more proactive elements, rhythm games are entirely reactive.

2) You look really, really stupid when playing them.

3) Rhythm games are the favored genres of pedorasts and zoophiliacs.

I think my first point is self-explanatory. The thing that distinguishes us humans from them stinkin' robits is that we don't just react to stimuli, we are the stimuli. Rhythm games are nothing more than a series of binary instructions; you either follow them to the tee or you fail that particular instruction. Because I'm not the kind of person who presses lips with the drinking fountain, hitting buttons when prompted doesn't seem particularly fun.

If you disagree with me about this, keep in mind that everyone's tastes are different. But it's more likely that you're a pedorast.

As to my second point:



Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "john william, those kids look dumb because they are Asian!"

I had the same initial reaction, but then realized being Asian only makes them look extra dumb. Most of the fault still lies with the rhythm game.



I don't think I can really add to the shame here.



Perhaps the rhythm game's greatest sin: convincing schlubs that they actually look cool. For reasons no normal person can comprehend, denizens of the internet think that posing with their guitar hero controller is really cool--especially if you put on dark sunglasses. Posing with your real guitar is douche baggy; it's the equivalent to being that guy at a party who mentions the band he's in like six or seven times. I don't even know what new level of douche baggery that's been achieved by mentioning the fake band your in.

As to my final point that boy lovers and animal humpers are the primary demographic for these games; I have to admit that the evidence is not quite concrete. But there is correlating data to support my argument.



Fact: John Wayne Gacy loved Dance Dance Revolution

Fact: Guitar Hero was the official party game of the last five NAMBLA meet ups.

Fact: Sheep get terrified when they hear the soundtrack to Um Jammer Lammy.

In conclusion, I've proved beyond all reasonable doubt that rhythm games are gaytarded. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.