For your consideration: Metal Arms

Retail uber-failure Metal Arms drops to Xbox Originals this week and I hope anyone reading who hasn't played it gives it a whirl. Not just because it's a great game--and man is it awesome--but because I'd really like to see Microsoft focus on the great games of Xbox that bombed and buying this game will lead them in that direction. Who cares about Halo and Splinter Cell; 90% of us have already played them.

Metal Arms is a mixture of platforming and 3rd-person shooting. It features inspired level design and some truly awesome weapons, my favorite being the tether that lets you control other robits.

As to why this game failed? I think it fell into much the same trap as Psychonauts; a kiddie-aesthetic that hid truly engaging gameplay catered to hardcore tastes. The guys who made it, Swinging Ape, were hired by Blizzard to make Starcraft: Ghost, which is the only reason any of us should be disappointed that particular game never came out.

But you don't have to take my word for it. Head on down to your local Xbox Live Marketplace and download it today!

Review: Stranglehold

Grade: C-
Time Spent Playing: 5-6 hours

If I were reviewing Stranglehold based off of the first level, I could have provided some kind of awesome pull quote like, "A thrilling, thrill-a-minute, thrill ride!" Regrettably, the developers opted not to call it a day after finishing the first level and soldiered on, making sure to quash any potential this title might have had. Not that there isn't any fun to be had on the third level; it's just that in between bouts of destroying meticulously constructed set pieces, you have notions of, "I'm doing the exact same thing over and over again. But man, is it pretty."

It was about halfway through the Museum of Chicago level that I started to transition from thinking this was a fun, if repetitive shooter to realizing the game kinda sucks. What happened? The enemies--the common enemies--became bullet sponges, forcing you to spend most of your time taking cover instead of pulling off the silly, flashy maneuvers the game was sold on. It was then that I started to really hate the "go into a room, clear guys, now clear fifty more guys who will randomly pop out of eight to ten different doors--sometimes right behind you!" formula.

The other main offense, stupidly lame boss battles, isn't worth complaining about because, honestly, I would have still liked the game a lot if that was all that was wrong with it. By the end of it, as I died over and over again, I questioned why I was bothering. Surely, it was the amazing and compelling story that pushed me forward.

Nah. The story is insipid. I wonder why they bothered coming up with justification for what could be called, "Chow Yun Fat Shoots Thousands of Chinamen in their Bing Bongs." It has something to do with a past lover I don't remember from Hard Boiled and a daughter they had together and something about bringing balance back to the force by shooting as many Chinese people in the ball sack as possible. What's even worse was the presentation. Some of the Chinese characters speak normal, mid-west English while others sound like they're auditioning for Kung Fu: The Animated Series. Perhaps it's some clever comment on the state of ABC versus FOB relations.

For his part, I'm fairly certain Chow phoned his lines in from a bar where one of the producers said to him, "Just figure out ten or so different ways to say, 'I don't need my badge, I'm doing things MY way!' and we'll cut them into the story."

So, in the end: play the demo. Play it two or three times. Skip the full game.

New PS3 Ad Harkens Back to a Holocaustier Time

Apparently yearning to scratch that Nazi nostalgia itch alive in none of us, Sony released this hilariously awful and disgusting piece of advertising.



Click here for the big version!

Review: The Simpsons

Saxamaphone.

Grade: C+
Time Spent Playing: Around five hours

It should be noted that had the Simpsons game started out with a Hostel parody in which Lisa is gruesomely murdered I probably would have given it an A++. Tragically, EA did not have the wherewithal to make my common sensical suggestion a reality. What's more, they actually force you to play as Lisa. Ignoring the urge to send a bullet barreling through your brain everytime you hear her proclaim "Girl Power!" is a mini-game in and of itself.

Which takes me to my larger problem: Why am I playing anyone but Homer? Homer Simpson is late 20th century's sole addition to the ongoing endeavor of western literature. Marge is fine as his foil but after hearing the same intentionally bad joke 20 times over, you forget the intent of the writers and realize it's just bad. Lisa is Lisa, and if you can't intuit why she sucks you probably should swallow some tacks or something. Bart is ok, and is probably necessary because it doesn't make much sense for Homer to interact with myriad of kid characters from the show, but in all honestly he stopped being cool when I turned 13 or so.

Yes. Homer is who we crave to play.

The Simpsons is an action/puzzler/platformer. The puzzling is its strongest element. The fighting is infuriating as the characters' melee attacks are so limited and unpowerful and their ranged attacks have a seriously limited ammo supply. The platforming is ok, but never great. That's the overall impression of this game. It never works the magic that truly good games do. I had to literally play the game in 30 minute intervals lest I get too bored. All the pieces are there, they're just not working as they should. Taste the mediocrity.

The graphics are pretty good, though they really should have have drawn thicker lines around the characters to help them pop out and to reduce the jaggedness. I was playing in 1080 resolution and the lines still didn't look clean.

The saddest part: I don't remember laughing more than a handful of times during my entire play through.

Comments From Idiots

I derive a perverse pleasure from comments provided by morons on video games news sites, so I decided to start a regular column where everyone could enjoy them. I can't guarantee how often I'll do this, because it's totally dependent on how often the websites decide to post flame bait.

For my inaugural post on this topic, I've used Joystiq's recent poll over which console players expect to buy GTA4 for. It seems to me there are a few reasonable arguments.

For either:

I prefer the controller
I only own this particular system
More of my friends own this system and I'd like to play with them
I simply prefer to play on this system
Through shady dealings, I'm getting it for this console for free/discounted

PS3:
Playing online is free
Due to it's largely superior specs, I believe it will be better on PS3

Xbox 360:
Achievements
Exclusive downloadable content
Custom soundtracks
Though it costs more, Xbox live provides a better experience than PSN

If I left anything out, please forgive me.

Now, let the retardation begin!


phizzy contends:

"Achievements don't make a game better. Certainly don't make a game 'fuller'. They just give you the opportunity to wave your imaginary penis about at internet people."

I often wonder what it's like to one day wake up stupid.

ridgerich79 says: "I really don't care about the multiplayer b/c I haven't been playing my 360 lately."

It's called a non sequitur. Look it up.

He goes on: "I also hope R* doesn't screw up the PS3 ver. like many other 3rd party publishers have done in the past. What am I saying, this is R*, who actually care about the games they make unlike other publishers *cough*EA/Valve*cough*"

Yes. Valve doesn't care about the games it releases.

Fag.

mystic opines: "God I LOVE you idiots who scream RROD. I only know one other person who owns a PS3 besides me, and guess what, his PS3 DIED ON HIM a week after he got it! It's not so much the 360 is a higher failure rate, it's because the 360 is played more, and it's because you dumb sony fanboys don't go screaming on the internet when it breaks because you LOVE your Sony brand and don't want to tarnish your favorite brand and company. Get a mind of your own kids."

Le sigh.

Of course, I can sort of understand his frustration with posts like this, from "this guy":

"As of now, I'm leaning toward PS3 though because it's a much more reliable system. 360 is always breaking down. "

My Xbox 360 broke down once. Once broken down, it would not play any games. I sent if off and got a repaired one. How exactly do you keep playing a system that is constantly breaking down? Why haven't you sent it back for repair? What does dick taste like?

rc adds: "There is a lot of buzz out there that GTA IV runs and looks better on the PS3."


Yeah. My mom told me while she poured milk into my wheaties.

hdhrant suggests: "There should be 2 more options: Both & Neither."

Show me the person that buys two console versions of a game and I'll show you someone who eats turds for quarters.

please writes: "Xbox owners get 100 hours of comfort

PS owners get future arthritis(unless you have Asian effeminate hands)"

Actually, in burning Asians, this kid is dead on.

Dude's hand to hand fighting a tank

Other than the original Xbox caliber graphics, I don't see what not love about this game. Admittedly, the very last sequence did remind of those commercials for the first Conflict game that showed Saddam in the player's cross hairs.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. ever.

Retro Review: Stubbs the Zombie

Grade: C+
Time Spent Playing: 5 hours

The most enjoyable part of Stubbs is when you build up a platoon of zombie recruits and, like an undead papa, watch them stumble out and destroy humanity without your direct guidance. Unfortunately, these moments are few and far between. I can imagine the dilemma for the designers: you don't want a passive experience to be the most enjoyable part of a game. So, they make the player take a more active, action game approach to getting past many of the levels; which doesn't work so well with a cumbersome zombie fighting speedier humans who can backpedal as quickly as you can lurch toward them. As to your horde: it rarely grows larger than six or seven zombies and the humans, whose melee attacks are more powerful than gun shots, can generally wipe them out with little trouble; especially in the middle and later levels when they start wielding shotguns and automatic rifles. In the very last levels you pretty much have to do everything yourself, which is where my dissatisfaction really took hold.

Stubbs has an absolute wealth of potential, so I wonder if it was due to a lack of time and resources instead of poor decision making that led to its mediocrity. It certainly feels like an unfinished product. The levels are large but empty. There's little to interact with. The objects that are there are cemented in place. I distinctly remember running into a park bench with a jeep and getting nothing but a dull thud as my jeep came to an abrupt stop with neither the jeep or the bench look the worse for wear. There's rarely many citizens running about, which is odd considering the PS2 grade visuals. Maybe all of the Xbox's processing power was taken up putting on that annoying, old timey screen filter.

Stubbs does succeed in the charm and writing departments. While poking fun at the 1950s is trite at this point, the game does succeed in making you laugh on purpose. One of my favorite jokes was the gas station robot that refuels cars by literally having sex with them. Stubbs also has the distinction of having the only rhythm mini-game that I recall enjoying; a dance off against a midget police chief to covers of old songs performed by new indie and indie-oid* bands.

Speaking of the music, the first thing I did upon firing up the game was find the soundtrack. It's really good but, continuing in the line of perplexing things about this game, pretty much only shows up on the title screen. Beyond that is the dance contest and then one other time, in a diner, one of the songs plays from a jukebox. All told, you hear less than half of the soundtrack, including some of the very best executed covers on it. I'll post a review of the sound track later.

There are other, small things that Stubbs does right. For one, there are a number of different brain eating animations, adding variety to the same basic task. Ripping off a guy's arm and beating him with it is pretty fun as well

I really wish that Stubbs had lived up to its monstrous potential. Perhaps after Wideload finishes up Hail to the Chimp, they'll take another look at Stubbs. Give it elements of pikmin or lemmings, don't treat Stubbs like an action hero, add more interaction with the world, put dozens of characters on screen, make use of a great soundtrack you undoubtedly spent loads of money on, retain the humor; I think you have a triple A title.

*Indie-oid: a word I just made up to describe indie-esque bands that are actually on major labels. Like to Built to Spill, who, unfortunately, aren't on the Stubbs soundtrack.

Archive Footage, Radical Graphics, Marketing Lies, and White Supremacy

Classic Sega: Having all of the dumb ideas before anyone else...

Retro Review: Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath

Grade: A-
Time Spent Playing: 8 - 10 hours

Stop what you're doing. Grab a belt. Walk to a mirror. Pull your pants down. Start flogging yourself while you recite, "I'm a dirty little slut bitch." Don't feel too ashamed, because I'm right there with you, bruised ass and tears streaming.

Our crime? Ignoring Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath when it dropped three years ago. Sure, we can blame Microsoft Studios for drop kicking Lorne and company when they showed up late with a game they weren't supposed to be making. Or we can pin the onus on EA for picking up the game with the express purpose of making a sizable equipment donation to the mini-frisbee championship of the world.

But we all knew about this game. We knew it was coming. We knew Oddworld Inhabitants made good games. And for whatever reason, we shunned it. Probably because we're assholes.



Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath tells the story of Stranger, a lion-goat-thingy bounty hunter that's desperately trying to earn 20K to pay for a mysterious, life-saving surgery. It has pretty much no connection with any of the other games, except that it takes place on Oddworld, albeit on a heretofore unseen part of it and the bad guys, predictably, are corporate mooks. Unlike the industrial-nightmare backdrop of previous games, Stranger's world is directly inspired the frontier west of North America. And what a lush, beautiful representation of that forgotten country it is.



The graphics may be the absolute best the Xbox ever produced. The models are highly detailed and are clearly the result of hours of love and thoughtful design while the surroundings beckon you to explore by their beauty alone. It truly would have been an aesthetic crime if EA had succeeded in forcing the devs to make a PS2 version. I imagine it would be something akin to the way Don Swayze looks like his brother Patrick Swayze; there's a resemblance, but it's a retarded resemblance.

Of special note is that there is very, very little loading. Journeying from region to region is seamless.




The gameplay is a peculiar mixture of third-person platforming and first-person shooting. In platformer mode, you run faster and have longer jumps and can wallop enemies with headbutts and tornado punches. First-person allows you use of the crossbow, which, instead of arrows, fires different little creatures that vary in purpose and strength. I can see why the big publishers likely held this game pinched between their thumb and pointer fingers, holding their noses with their free hand. I'm an experienced gamer--one eager to play this game--and it took me a while to really get into the flow of switching between the two. Even after having beat it, I wonder if the game wouldn't have been better served by keeping all of the action in third-person. Perhaps, instead of switching to first-person, clicking the right stick could have allowed an over-over-the-shoulder view with strafing controls.




The flow of the game, at least the first two-thirds or so of it, is similar to that of Shadow of the Collossus. You're presented with a large, continuous world--though more limited than Colossus--where you hunt down bosses who are essentially gameplay puzzles. On the way to bosses you have to take out scores of lesser bandits and explore the area for gold and ammo. To collect a bounty on those bandits and bosses, you suck defeated enemies up ghostbusters style. You're rewarded with more moolah for live enemies, which in turn adds a nice level of difficulty for people like me who simply can't deal with the possibility there might be some power up or upgrade that I'll not be able to afford. The last third of the game is much more linear as larger events push the story forward.

Speaking of the story; it's what you should expect of Lorne Lanning. Industrialists are inherently evil and people stuck in the stone age--sorry, people who live in harmony with nature--are, by default, good. Someday, I'd like for Lorne Lanning to explain how exactly we could have things like computers and aeroplanes and vaccines for deadly diseases without the wealth and technology brought on by the industrial revolution. But whatever. In all likelihood, most players won't care and unlike another preachy game, it never detracts from the experience. Outside of the message angle, the story is pretty straight forward. There is a major twist two-thirds in that, upon further reflection, doesn't make much sense even though you'll likely see it coming. There's a final twist at the very end that actually makes no sense whatsoever.

I will contend, however, that Stranger is a likable and interesting character. What he was willing to do to himself was poignantly sad and in the end, I'm not so sure he cared for the plight of the natives. He seemed more motivated by killing the guy who put a huge bounty on his head than with helping the natives win back their land. I could be wrong about that, but given this supposed to be a western, a genre known for morally ambiguous heroes, I don't think I'm stretching


The caveats:

Much like another great but under performing Xbox game developed by an ace adventure game designer, certain faults betray the inexperience of its creators with an unfamiliar genre. The difficulty can be quite erratic and the enemies are all perfect shots; the automatic-weapon wielding baddies will bullseye you from vast distances while snipers will hit you even at full gallop. Some of the bosses will induce hair pulling, while the final boss is ridiculously easy.

Remember where I mentioned sucking up enemies? That's how you'll die 90% of the time because the bad guys love shooting you when you do it. And because they only stay unconscious for about five seconds, you often have to resort to trying to capture them in the middle of firefights. Taking on a group of six enemies can be annoying, often requiring you to fall back and snare them as they follow you one by one.

A final buggaboo: I took great care to capture all of my main bounties and the vast majority of the henchmen alive and there is little reward for it. The aforementioned story twist makes all of the money you made worthless and I'm convinced I could have afforded all of the powerups had I killed everyone. Nor is there a special ending for going out of your way to save lives.

But even given those complaints, this is an excellent game. The game world realized is beyond what most developers are even striving for. It's a shame this put Oddworld Inhabitants out of the game business.

Note to Indie developers: I got your physics based game right here!