Review: Stranglehold

Grade: C-
Time Spent Playing: 5-6 hours

If I were reviewing Stranglehold based off of the first level, I could have provided some kind of awesome pull quote like, "A thrilling, thrill-a-minute, thrill ride!" Regrettably, the developers opted not to call it a day after finishing the first level and soldiered on, making sure to quash any potential this title might have had. Not that there isn't any fun to be had on the third level; it's just that in between bouts of destroying meticulously constructed set pieces, you have notions of, "I'm doing the exact same thing over and over again. But man, is it pretty."

It was about halfway through the Museum of Chicago level that I started to transition from thinking this was a fun, if repetitive shooter to realizing the game kinda sucks. What happened? The enemies--the common enemies--became bullet sponges, forcing you to spend most of your time taking cover instead of pulling off the silly, flashy maneuvers the game was sold on. It was then that I started to really hate the "go into a room, clear guys, now clear fifty more guys who will randomly pop out of eight to ten different doors--sometimes right behind you!" formula.

The other main offense, stupidly lame boss battles, isn't worth complaining about because, honestly, I would have still liked the game a lot if that was all that was wrong with it. By the end of it, as I died over and over again, I questioned why I was bothering. Surely, it was the amazing and compelling story that pushed me forward.

Nah. The story is insipid. I wonder why they bothered coming up with justification for what could be called, "Chow Yun Fat Shoots Thousands of Chinamen in their Bing Bongs." It has something to do with a past lover I don't remember from Hard Boiled and a daughter they had together and something about bringing balance back to the force by shooting as many Chinese people in the ball sack as possible. What's even worse was the presentation. Some of the Chinese characters speak normal, mid-west English while others sound like they're auditioning for Kung Fu: The Animated Series. Perhaps it's some clever comment on the state of ABC versus FOB relations.

For his part, I'm fairly certain Chow phoned his lines in from a bar where one of the producers said to him, "Just figure out ten or so different ways to say, 'I don't need my badge, I'm doing things MY way!' and we'll cut them into the story."

So, in the end: play the demo. Play it two or three times. Skip the full game.