MS Attributes Recent Success in Japan to Exclusive RPGs, Xbox Live, and Raping Tentacles

For the second week in a row, the Xbox 360 has managed the seemingly impossible and bested the  PS3 in Japanese hardware sales.  Long considered a lost territory to the American born system due to the complete failure of the original Xbox and the mild reception the 360 had garnered up till now, Japan seems to be slowly awakening to the console's hissing siren call.

In an exclusive phone interview with RD!, Xbox Japan Boss Takashi Sensui said, "We think the audience is responding to the great exclusive RPGs like Tales of Vesperia and Infinite Undiscovery and they are also enjoying the robust online experience provided by Xbox Live.  Also, they really enjoy how it sprouts tentacles and rapes young women."

Sensui revealed that as part of tailoring the New Xbox Experience to Japanese tastes, they've included a feature that allows the Xbox 360 to sprout giant, cephalopodic tentacles that seek out nubile women and rape them.  It was planned to release with the rest of the NXE later this fall, but the situation in Japan was deemed so dire, Sensui approved the release of the beta.

"The full version will be so much more robust," he added. "You'll be able to choose the color, the texture.  Right now they only commit vaginal rape, but the final version will seek out any opening for violation.  It also won't be limited to women; we don't want to leave you guys out on all of the fun! The best part is, the number of tentacles is tied to your gamerscore.  If you have very little gamerscore, you'll only get one tentacle, but if you have over 20,000; oh man, watch out!"

RD! was allowed to download the full version and will be posting our impressions soon.  Needless to say, use of the updated Xbox 360 around the office has proved a great distraction.

Interview With Distinguished Game Writer Fails to Answer Crucial Question: Is she dunkable?

Esteemed video game blog joystiq published an interview with Susan O'Connor conducted at the Austin Game Developer's Conference. While the interview revealed her involvement with some of the best selling and highest reviewed games of recent memory, it failed to answer the question addling most readers: do they want to put it in her?

Robotronic Dynamite met with members of the "Pwnsters of the Universe" clan at a Taco Bell to discuss the situation.

"I mean, it's kind of cool how she progressed from waiting tables to working on casual games to working with Cliffy B, but I'm just not sure if I'd hit it or not," notes Jeremy, a rotund boy wearing his black baseball cap in the backward fashion.

"They have a picture up. She looks pretty cute. I'd fill that void," declared curly haired and pock marked Richard.

"But I heard that was a photoshop job. One guy said she had a turkey neck and was over weight," countered Jeremy.

"I bet she got on atkins," suggested Richard.

"Maybe she has a myspace or something. But then those pictures are always all small and people just pick the ones that make them look good anyway, " added Mike, the clan's top head-shotter.

RD! did some digging into Miss O'Connor and while we learned that she's worked on over twenty games, has been awarded honors from DICE and GDC, and routinely speaks at industry conferences across the globe, it could not be ascertained as to whether or not gamers should want to slang that dang dang. Calls to her office have not been answered.

"Jump" Button In Mega Man 9 To Be DLC

It appears that Capcom's earlier, pre-release announcement that Proto Man
will be available as down loadable content in Mega Man 9 was only the
tip of the iceberg, as a new press release from the respected game
publisher revealed that the ability to jump will also require a
microtransaction. At 2 dollars (200 Wii points, 160 MS points), the jump option will allow players to leap to higher platforms as well
as dodge enemy blasters with ease. The news is already sending
shockwaves throughout the gamer community, such as displayed by neogaf
forum member, kratosephiroth420:



"this is so ghey u know its becaus tehy sold out to M$. damn fuck capcom never should have ported DMC4. there ghey"



In an exclusive phone interview with Robotronic Dynamite!, series
producer Keiji Inafune defended the decision, "People are saying that
the game is virtually unplayable without the jump. This is simply not
true. Look, I'm playing the game right now without the jump and it's fine."



When we reminded Mr. Inafune that we were conducting a phone interview
and therefore could not see him playing the game, he proceeded to
pretend he didn't speak english and hung up.



Stay logged in to RD! for further updates on this breaking story.

Plaintiffs in God of War Copyright Suit Sued By Collective Geniuses

Seemingly inspired by--or perhaps in direct response to--the lawsuit filed against Sony and game designer David Jaffe by screenwriter Jonathan Bissoon-Dath and concept artist Jennifer Barrette-Herzog over supposed similarities between the God of War series and their unproduced movie, Olympiad, a joint suit was filed against the two by a cavalcade of artists and writers--most of whom long deceased--who claim the duo ripped them off long before Sony and Jaffe. Robotronic Dynamite met with a few of the plaintiffs at a popular, downtown cafe.

"Animated skeletons armed with bad ass swords; I came up with that shit!" exclaimed an irate Ray Harryhausen as he thumbed through the rejected screenplay, "It just goes to show that no one wants to bother with new ideas anymore."

"Yeah, good artists borrow, great artists steal, but hacks turn your creations into garbage," added a more reserved Sophocles, renowned genius. He continued, "A guy whose foul temper
results in the unraveling of everything he loves. I wonder where they got that idea?"

I asked the acclaimed tragedian if he were still talking about Olympiad or if he had moved on to critiquing God of War, to which Euripides stepped in:

"It's not like God of War is the most creative thing in the world. I mean; it's fun, but it's also
kind of thugishly stupid. They pretty much cast Stone Cold Steve Austin as the cliched, tragic antihero whose only function is to murder countless people, animals, and gods while occasionally shouting 'Ares!'. Where's the drama? Where's the comment on the human condition?"

The mind that birthed Medea paused for a moment, but continued, "Look, we really
didn't mind all of the blatant ripping off of our work. We're just annoyed that someone would claim that they created it. And that they would lay claim to something as hilariously dumb as God of War. It's insulting, to be honest. I mean, I guess that's what you get when two
hyphenated last names team up with each other."

In response to this lawsuit, Bissoon-Dath mostly shrugs, "They claim that I'm not that
creative. Did they even read my script? Zeus's hands turn into fucking light sabers. That's creative as hell!"

Barrete-Herzog echoes in agreement, "They have the audacity to suggest I didn't create
the idea of rickety bridges spanning bottomless expanses. That's insane! That's never been thought of before. Ever."

Legal experts expect the suit to be a "slam dunk" for the plaintiffs.

Review: Final Fantasy III

Grade: B+
Time Spent Playing: 25 hours


Like most people who aren't Japanese or bored psychopaths, I never played the original Final Fantasy III. If my time spent with FF5 is any indication; I probably would have hated it. To be frank, I didn't expect to enjoy this game as much as I did. I thought I was getting into a grinding, dungeon crawl with free form gameplay that will leave you naked, bruised, bloodied, and dying of pneumonia if you didn't choose your characters' vocations wisely. I was right.

But somehow, I liked what this game was serving up. From the no-fluff opening on, I had a ball piloting my mostly personality vacant warriors toward their collective destiny. After some splendid revolutions in RPG combat over the last few years, going back to basic turn taking should have been a chore. It wasn't. Maybe it's the handheld format or the simple fact that genre staples become staples because they work so well. Though, around hour twenty I started to feel some fatigue with the game, so basic turn based fighting does have its limits.

The story that's here is impressive. The events your party is swept up into hits on some interesting concepts and the characters that befriend you often meet sad and tragic ends. In contrast, your party of characters are pretty dull unless, like me, you groundlessly attribute personality to them and decide your party of savvy transvestites are out to stop Xande because he wears pleated khakis. Fashion faux pas!

I suppose the graphics are nice, but when all the art from Amano showcases an imagination many times greater than the game artists', you can't help but wonder what splendor a fully realized adaptation of his vision would amount to. I never understood why Square employed him only to water down his creations into standard manga fare.