Retro Review: God of War

Grade: B+
Time Spent Playing: 8 - 10 hours

I actually did try to play this one when it first came out, but the disc was bad and the rental store didn't have any more so I traded it for Doom 3--which I liked, thankyouverymuch.

In God of War, you spend most of your time mercilessly smashing your controller buttons and grunting. In this respect, you really become one with Kratos.

Kratos is actually a character I designed for my never-developed, mid-nineties fighting game, Phancy Disembowler II. To their credit, Sony added a nice dimension to his character by having him yell "Ares!" every few minutes. Plus, he totally bangs chicks (two at a time!) and
feels nothing for his fellow man.

Ok, so I think Kratos is a stupid character. Luckily, this game is really fun. The detailed level deisgn is spectacular and the graphics are amazing for their time. The puzzles, in particular, I found to be truly a joy. The melee combat is fun, though you have to do way too much of it. In fact, it will be a while before I play God of War II because getting locked in a room and fighting off hordes of monsters for 30 minutes just doesn't sound too appetizing at the moment.

Review: Mass Effect: Bring Down the Sky

Grade: B-
Time Spent Playing: 90 minutes

If you're going into Bring Down the Sky like I did, thinking it was comparable to the main story missions of the game, you're going to be disappointed. What's here is effectively a beefed up side mission. The locales are put together by previously existing assets as far as I can tell and there is little here that isn't like 99% of the rest of the game. Of course, the rest of this game is friggin' amazing so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

I have to admit, the Batarians are pretty cool, but the story here is straight forward. The Batarian Osama Bin Laden wants to crash an asteroid onto a colony of millions of people in retribution for perceived offenses against his kind. You have to stop him. There's no twist here at the end.

It would have been cool if this download added more to the game, like the Batarians themselves. Just because their civilization lives in self-imposed exile doesn't mean there can't be individual Batarians running around Citadel space, perhaps acting as catalysts for other side missions or small story segments.

The saving grace is the gameplay. It could be that I'm playing through on hard--or whatever they call it in this game--but this was a really tough mission. Your enemies are tenacious bastards who will use every tech/biotic power in the game against you. One enjoyable segment had me navigating a mine field while jerkwads fired at me from cover.

Five bucks just seems like too much to pay for what you're getting. Had they actually used the Batarians to expand the game universe or delivered an experience more on the level of the main missions of Mass Effect, then I could unabashedly recommend it. As it stands, it's really only for people who enjoy challenging gameplay.

A beat 'em up endorsed by PETA

Ignore the not very funny commentating.




I can't believe I don't even remember this game. I thought my long Friday nights at the roller rink as a prepubescent lad had exposed me to every quarter munching beat 'em up there was. It's too bad the gameplay is subpar because I really want to play this game.

I love the insane, Saturday morning cartoon logic of guys who could clearly make millions as arm dealers settling for animal poaching. Also amazing, that the multitudes of dames you violate are dressed more for an office job than a day in sub-Saharan Africa.

Review: Bully: Scholarship Edition

Grade: B+
Time Spent Playing: 30 hours

Bully is essentially a GTA game without all of the annoying bits. By keeping the world smaller and more focused, it's more detailed and subsequently feels more real than any of the GTA 3 iterations. Unlike the denizens of a GTA world, you actually recognize your classmates as they wander about, becoming familiar over time. Yeah, you can't massacre scores of nameless, purposeless people, but you do get to pinch girls' bottoms and bombard teachers with stink bombs.

Instead of gunplay, most of the combat is hand-to-hand. The combat engine, while not particularly deep, is fun and effective; plus, it evolves over time. It also has the welcome benefit of not having to load into a seperate game engine, unlike a certain other open world beat 'em up. Supplementing your melee attacks are items like marbles, firecrackers, and a spud gun.

Of special interest to me is the soundtrack, provided by the talented Shawn Lee. It spans a multitude of genres and some of the tunes are clearly inspired by classics like Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. It's all really catchy and actually warrants a listening outside of the game.

When I played Bully on the PS2, I probably would have given it an A+. It's only diminished now because of its PS2 roots and as it's a brand new release for a current gen console, I have to judge it on that basis.

The constant load times are my biggest problem; every time the game loads a cut scene or you enter or exit a building it goes to a loading screen. I recognize fixing that probably would have meant rebuilding the game from the ground up on the 360, but when the nearly-two-years-old Saint's Row offers seamless transitions, I expect it as a gamer.

The 360 version does sport "updated" graphics and while the cleaner textures are nice for the environments, they have the unfortunate effect of making many of the character models look uglier.

The multi-player offering is laughable, simply allowing you to compete offline against a friend in one of nine mini-games. Again, I point to another GTA clone, Crackdown, which allowed two players--online--to have fun playing in the sandbox.

Another disappointment, though related entirely to it being a 360 game, is the achievements. Where a sandbox game should be ideal for fun, imaginative achievements, a la Dead Rising, most of what's here feels like busy work. For example, instead of an achievement that rewards you for finding all of the different boys and girls you can lock lips with, you simply just need to do it a certain number of times. So find a dude or chick to kiss and just keep pressing the A button for five minutes and you get an achievement. Extremely lame are ones that have you giving 50 wedgies, kicking 100 soccer balls, or doing 200 wheelies. A couple did actually inspire me to think of ways to complete them faster. For example, one achievement required I trip 25 people with marbles, so I set them up by the dorm exit and pulled the fire alarm.

I hope Rockstar gets a lot more imaginative with the GTA 4 achievements.

As a final note, I didn't have the same problems other people seemed to have had with the game running like ass. It did occasionally crash, but I'd estimate it was about three times out of a 30 hour game. So, if you have an older 360, you may want to wait for the promised patch before firing the game up, because I understand it's almost game ruining for many people.

The Darkening

I really enjoyed my time with the Darkness, but one thing it didn't have was a fun multi-player mode. What's more is that when I did actually try to play it, I got my ass completely kicked by people who I'm convinced were only playing the multi for the achievements. So anyway, they're releasing a new map for free. I can only assume it was part of an abandoned plan to offer numerous maps for actual money.

I really liked that game, but I think if they were to keep working on it, maybe they could have worked on the AI of your darkling buddies so they weren't so damn useless in fire fights. It would be enough to get me to play through it again, at least.

I give this blog a fully erect penis!

So, at first I opted not to put scores on my reviews, but then I realized it might be hard to discern whether or not I actually enjoyed a game because sometimes I get caught up in the criticism of it. While that problem could easily be solved by better writing, I'm taking the path more traveled and just sticking a letter grade on 'em. What's more, I'll also designate whether I think a game is only a rental and the approximate time I spent playing. Is it ethical to review something I could only stomach for a couple of hours? Personally, I think it matters a lot if I couldn't be bothered to play more than that.

While I will update my past reviews, I'll go ahead and give a quick summary of the games I've reviewed thus far:

Mass Effect: A-, 40 hours
Metal Gear Solid 3: B-, 12 hours
Harvey Birdman: B, rental only, two hours
Yakuza: B, 15 hours

So, now I'm noticing that I'm giving everything relatively high scores. Oh well, that's what happens when you pick what you want to write about.

As an aside, I actually support scores. Many people poo poo them because lazy readers will focus too much on the score, ignoring the breadth of the review. But as a lazy reader, I know there've been times where I read a review I would have normally skipped over because the score wasn't what I expected. So take that, fags.

Retro Review: Yakuza

Grade: B
Time Spent Playing: 15 hours

Meet Kazuma, awesome badass. As a soldier in the Yakuza, it's his job to collect money and administer beatings where appropriate (hint:it's always appropriate!). Unfortunately for this bare knuckled warrior, he also has this silly sense of honor which gets him into a heap of trouble early in the game and subsequently drives the story.

I remember, years ago, when this game was being previewed, it was often described as a streamlined Shenmue. And that's a fair descriptor; one that carries with it both negatives and positives.

It's similar to Shenmue in that it presents a living world for you to interact with. Though, instead of a small Japanese town or Chinese ghetto, you get to run amok in the Shinjuku district of Tokyo. It does offer less interactivity--no knocking on random strangers' doors--but it still feels like a real place. From what I understand, the representation of Tokyo's red light district is authentic. Except maybe the public park run by hobos that only has one entrance, through a public men's room. Did I also mention that the same hobo dominated park also leads to an underground--literally--black market where the rich and powerful can gamble and buy prostitutes?


In contrast to Shenmue, you're not bogged down with chores, day jobs, bed times, and painfully sex-free relationships with females. Unfortunately, the fighting has been stripped down too, to the point that it's insulting to compare that aspect.

It's a shame the fighting is so simple, because you do a shit ton of it. I'm not even talking about your missions, which offer plenty of opportunity to split lips and bruise egos. I'm talking about random battles. Yeah, like a jrpg. Leave your hideout intending to walk a couple blocks to meet your paid-for-girlfriend and you're bound to get into about three random battles. You do learn new moves and such, but it's pretty much button mashing the whole way through. The saving grace here is the joy found in picking up objects and beating the hell of people. Perhaps if I wasn't forced to do so much of it I wouldn't be as down on it.

The biggest draw for Yakuza is the world it portrays and the story unfolding within it. While the story does start off incredibly strong, in the end it gets too big and borders on ridiculous. It's still good enough to keep you playing, to find out what happens next, but it is disappointing when the potential of the first few hours was so high.

In the end, I'd recommend Yakuza. While the fighting and story do falter, the world realized is worth the price of admission. And Kazuma is a total badass.

The case against rhythm games

As a true gaming enthusiast, I pride myself on enjoying a wide range of game genres. Shooters, action, strategy, rpg, jrpg, fighting, puzzlers; hell, I can even get into Madden if I want to. But there is one genre that just isn't for me: rhythm games. But believe me, this isn't just a personal choice or inclination, I can lay out an objective argument as to why they are the flipper babies of games.

1) Where as most games feature both reactive and proactive gameplay, with the better games leaning toward more proactive elements, rhythm games are entirely reactive.

2) You look really, really stupid when playing them.

3) Rhythm games are the favored genres of pedorasts and zoophiliacs.

I think my first point is self-explanatory. The thing that distinguishes us humans from them stinkin' robits is that we don't just react to stimuli, we are the stimuli. Rhythm games are nothing more than a series of binary instructions; you either follow them to the tee or you fail that particular instruction. Because I'm not the kind of person who presses lips with the drinking fountain, hitting buttons when prompted doesn't seem particularly fun.

If you disagree with me about this, keep in mind that everyone's tastes are different. But it's more likely that you're a pedorast.

As to my second point:



Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "john william, those kids look dumb because they are Asian!"

I had the same initial reaction, but then realized being Asian only makes them look extra dumb. Most of the fault still lies with the rhythm game.



I don't think I can really add to the shame here.



Perhaps the rhythm game's greatest sin: convincing schlubs that they actually look cool. For reasons no normal person can comprehend, denizens of the internet think that posing with their guitar hero controller is really cool--especially if you put on dark sunglasses. Posing with your real guitar is douche baggy; it's the equivalent to being that guy at a party who mentions the band he's in like six or seven times. I don't even know what new level of douche baggery that's been achieved by mentioning the fake band your in.

As to my final point that boy lovers and animal humpers are the primary demographic for these games; I have to admit that the evidence is not quite concrete. But there is correlating data to support my argument.



Fact: John Wayne Gacy loved Dance Dance Revolution

Fact: Guitar Hero was the official party game of the last five NAMBLA meet ups.

Fact: Sheep get terrified when they hear the soundtrack to Um Jammer Lammy.

In conclusion, I've proved beyond all reasonable doubt that rhythm games are gaytarded. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Review: Harvey Birdman

Grade: B
Rental Only!
Time Spent Playing: 2

This is a fun and funny little game that will take about two hours to play through. It's a rental only. Unless you can pick it up for five bucks or something.

As I'm only half of the targeted demographic for this game--someone who likes Harvey Birdman but not someone who has played the Ace Attorney games--my opinion may not be fully qualified. But whatever. If you play it and can't deal that it's a much easier version of Ace Attorney, feel free to send me pictures of you cutting yourself over it.

A higher Call of Duty

So I was looking at a local news website for weather info and saw this banner ad at the top of the page. It linked here.

I can't imagine why they felt the need use a secular game to reach the youth when there are such fantastic and amazing religiously themed video games they could draw upon.

Finally, a game for douchebags by douchebags

It's hard to imagine how this game could be anything other than the best thing ever.

Darkness Is Spreadin'

I've noticed there's a general ennui among the gaming press about the new Alone in the Dark. Perhaps it's a simple case of seeing previews for a game for too long a time--this trailer is actually the first thing I've bothered to check out--but I think this game is promising. Granted, it's hard to discern if gameplay can match the hypnotic effect of the guy's leather jacket but there's plenty to be excited about here. I really like how the inventory screen is just him looking down at his belt and inside his jacket.

I just wish I could figure out why he wastes a bullet to obtain a sword...

Retro Review: Metal Gear Solid 3

Yeah, three years ago isn't retro, but screw it. I've been playing a lot of older games lately and I want to write about them. The first is a treat, because I'm actually going to discuss concepts outside of gaming. Yeah, yeah, I promise I won't--as my friend and confidant Ice Cube surely would--put your butt to sleep.



Grade: B-
Time Spent Playing: 12 hours

Metal Gear Solid 3 tells the tale of a huge pussy with an abandonment complex who infiltrates a Russian military base for reasons only God can comprehend. The story is moronic and self indulgent. The cut scenes are actually pretty good in terms of action and composition. When Hideo Kojima is trying to make you laugh, you do. When he is trying to make you think, your eyes roll. The acting is good and the characters are pretty memorable, despite the ever present philosophical meanderings of a well intentioned 19 year old.

Make that a well intentioned, Japanese 19 year old. There's this hilarious phenomena among the Japanese as a group: complete and utter denial of anything that might have occurred in the years ranging from 1935 to 1945. The Japanese military of that day did horrible, unspeakable things. Thanks to the denial of the past, the typical modern Japanese citizen believes his ancestors were good. This leads to cognitive dissonance. The only way to mend the idea that Imperial Japan wasn't evil is to come to the conclusion that there is no good and evil, just players on opposing sides. What does that have to do with this game? Because this story hinges on the United States and the USSR being morally equivalent. Why is this a laughable notion? Because while America hasn't been perfect, it didn't kill tens of millions of its own citizens through purpose, neglect, and the sheer incompetence of a controlled economy. America didn't imprison people for disagreeing with those that ruled. America didn't subjugate its neighbors. Do I really need to continue?

So, I've gone on and on about the game's story with no mention of what it's like to play. There's a reason: watching cut scenes is what you'll spend most of your time doing. Outside of watching the game's story, you'll either be running from screen to screen--make no mistake, there's very little reason to actually sneak around when you can just haul ass to the next cut scene--or fighting bosses.

As much as you probably presume I hate this game, fighting the bosses is actually pretty great and ultimately redeems this ridiculous, over-hyped game. The bosses make those neurons fire off, signaling your adrenal glands to start pumping. They tickle the brain as you try to solve the mystery of their undoing. Most notable is The End, a sniper with whom you'll spend an hour or more entangled in a deadly match of hide and seek.

So, in the end you have a game with a story that fails on fundamental levels, sneaking gameplay that fails because you needn't bother, and boss fights that are fun and memorable. Can the boss fights be good enough to warrant playing through this game?

Yes.

Review: Mass Effect

Grade: A-
Time Spent Playing: 40 hours


It is every earth man's dream to travel among the stars, killing bug faced aliens and taking blue skinned ladies to bed. Mass Effect lets you do this, but certainly more of the former and less of the latter. Which is disappointing because I would like to see how mankind's discovery of telekinesis and other paranormal powers would affect bedroom antics. But since we're far more comfortable with seeing bodies mutilated than we are with seeing them kissed, I'll just have to be satisfied with blowing those blue skinned ladies to hell.

Mass Effect takes place a few hundred years in the future. Thanks to the discovery of alien technology on Mars, humanity began exploring space and eventually came into contact with the Citadel Council, basically the United Nations of space. The Council commissions uber-agents called Spectres to enforce galactic justice when conventional means fail. As the player, you control the first human Spectre, and your choices will shape humanity's future in the galaxy.

At its core, Mass Effect is story driven RPG. You pick a class, level up, spend points on skills and powers you'd like to develop, and spend a lot of time exploring both uncharted regions of space and busy space ports. A cool addition is that not only can you change your character's gender and appearance to your liking, you can actually pick a personal history for him, which will have repercussions later in the game. For example, as an earth born orphan, you might have run ins with snobby aliens who look down on earth as a blighted world or with members of street gangs you ran with as a youth.

The gameplay twist is that action is handled more like a tactical third person shooter than a traditional, turn based rpg. While there are unseen statistics determining things like how well your character can aim his shotgun--protip: don't use weapons you're not trained with--the feel is action oriented. There is a tactical element introduced in that you can give instructions to team mates, but I found it far more fun to just them let do their own thing. I've seen a lot of criticism about the shooting sequences and I really don't know what these walking vaginas are complaining about. Use cover, use your powers, and remember to heal your team mates and it's really not all that tough. A few of the boss battles might require a few replays but that doesn't seem entirely too much to ask.

As far as story goes, Mass Effect delivers a delicious piece of space opera in which your character hunts down a rogue Spectre named Saren, whose true goals and motivations are revealed with each mission you take. The story is helped by the incredibly detailed and thoughtful universe the team at Bioware has come up with. The aliens in this game all have unique histories, physiologies, and motivations. Every single planet at least has some description of its geology, ecology, and atmosphere. One can only imagine there is a Silmarrion-esque tome kept hidden deep in the BioWare complex.

So what are the problems with this rad game? Well, while the graphics are nice, the textures load slowly enough that often times when you enter a new area or initiate a conversation you're looking at some strange mess of clay sculptures for the first few moments. It doesn't affect gameplay but it is annoying. The menu system is screwed; it's slow and unintuitive. Buying new items is a hassle because you can't just decide to look at a shop's items in like groups, you have to scroll down through a bunch of stuff you don't care about. Also, why can't they just pair human armors with alien armors? The side quests start to feel like chores and offer little variety. Every derelict space ship, every mining camp, every warehouse, looks exactly the same and often share an identical floor plan. Even landing down on barren planets begins to feel like a chore when all you're doing is surveying raw materials and recovering items from crashed probes.

All that said, Mass Effect is great in spite of its flaws. Hopefully, a sequel will address those problems.