The case against rhythm games

As a true gaming enthusiast, I pride myself on enjoying a wide range of game genres. Shooters, action, strategy, rpg, jrpg, fighting, puzzlers; hell, I can even get into Madden if I want to. But there is one genre that just isn't for me: rhythm games. But believe me, this isn't just a personal choice or inclination, I can lay out an objective argument as to why they are the flipper babies of games.

1) Where as most games feature both reactive and proactive gameplay, with the better games leaning toward more proactive elements, rhythm games are entirely reactive.

2) You look really, really stupid when playing them.

3) Rhythm games are the favored genres of pedorasts and zoophiliacs.

I think my first point is self-explanatory. The thing that distinguishes us humans from them stinkin' robits is that we don't just react to stimuli, we are the stimuli. Rhythm games are nothing more than a series of binary instructions; you either follow them to the tee or you fail that particular instruction. Because I'm not the kind of person who presses lips with the drinking fountain, hitting buttons when prompted doesn't seem particularly fun.

If you disagree with me about this, keep in mind that everyone's tastes are different. But it's more likely that you're a pedorast.

As to my second point:



Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "john william, those kids look dumb because they are Asian!"

I had the same initial reaction, but then realized being Asian only makes them look extra dumb. Most of the fault still lies with the rhythm game.



I don't think I can really add to the shame here.



Perhaps the rhythm game's greatest sin: convincing schlubs that they actually look cool. For reasons no normal person can comprehend, denizens of the internet think that posing with their guitar hero controller is really cool--especially if you put on dark sunglasses. Posing with your real guitar is douche baggy; it's the equivalent to being that guy at a party who mentions the band he's in like six or seven times. I don't even know what new level of douche baggery that's been achieved by mentioning the fake band your in.

As to my final point that boy lovers and animal humpers are the primary demographic for these games; I have to admit that the evidence is not quite concrete. But there is correlating data to support my argument.



Fact: John Wayne Gacy loved Dance Dance Revolution

Fact: Guitar Hero was the official party game of the last five NAMBLA meet ups.

Fact: Sheep get terrified when they hear the soundtrack to Um Jammer Lammy.

In conclusion, I've proved beyond all reasonable doubt that rhythm games are gaytarded. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.