Review: Grand Theft Auto 4

Grade: A
Time Spent Playing: 5oo billion million hours

Sometimes, developers want to reinvent the wheel. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that they defiantly refuse to observe the progress made by their peers. Rockstar falls into the latter category. The online multiplay interface in GTA 4 is beyond dumb. Why can't I set up my own games any time I wish? Why do I have to be lucky enough to be the douche with the fastest connection? Why can't I search for rooms that exclusively disallow auto-aim? Why do I consistently lose party members when we exit party mode to give the matchmaking games a try?

Why was it a better decision to allow online players access to a neutered version of the entire city instead of say, limiting us to one feature full island at a time? How much fun would it be to have drunk driving contests? Or maybe just shoot some pool and play some darts. It was really disappointing to excitedly ditch whatever mission we were doing, pissing off the English twits we were assigned by Rockstar to play with, and run in the strip club expecting a bar full of dancers and patrons to set fire to only to find a gloomily empty set.

Speaking of the strippers; why are their bodies so horrifying to behold? It's like the graphics in this game are fantastic as long as the models keep their clothes on. It's as if a voodoo priest unleashed a curse on Liberty City that causes the undead to gyrate against our penises instead of eating our brains. I'm not sure which is the more horrifying prospect.

But at least the animation is good. Except when Rockstar decides to sacrifice controls for the sake of smooth animation. Sometimes, I just want Nico's eastern european ass to turn around. He doesn't need to shift his weight and lean into it in with hyper-realism. He needs to do it fast because there's some Russian asshole shooting me in the back of the head. Damn it. I felt like I was playing Flash Back at times.

Speaking of controls: screw the helicopter! Why does it take five seconds for Nico to jump out of the damn thing? And when he does, why can't he have a parachute? I mean, I'm not that obsessive over features that were left out, but why the parachutes? Why, with a game that features dozens of skyscrapers to base jump from, would they not include the parachute? Was it really more important to have a hundred hours of not-that-funny radio satire than to have a really fun gameplay feature?

Seriously, Rockstar. You're teetering into A- territory here. You might as well sell out to EA now because as far as I'm concerned, the magic is gone.