Nintendo announced that Club Nintendo, a loyalty service in Japan that awards points for Nintendo purchases that are redeemed for useless shit, will make its way to American shores by the end of the year. The move is seen by many industry insiders as Nintendo making amends for its disastrous E3 presentation.
"We want the hardcore Nintendo fans, the ones who have been with us since Mario humped his first flagpole, to know that they come first with us. So, this fall, when they're dutifully buying our shitty games and going on message boards and justifying why they blindly support us, they can do so in some ridiculous, oversized Mario hat that only a complete douche bag would wear," said VP of Thuggery Reggie Fils-Amie shortly after bursting through the wall of Robotronic Dynamite! offices like the Kool-Aid Man.
When pressed for further details, Fils-Amie pushed us against the wall and threatened to beat us up if we didn't hand over our milk money. After we did, he exited through the very hole he'd created only moments before.
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