Review: Grand Theft Auto 4

Grade: A
Time Spent Playing: 5oo billion million hours

Sometimes, developers want to reinvent the wheel. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that they defiantly refuse to observe the progress made by their peers. Rockstar falls into the latter category. The online multiplay interface in GTA 4 is beyond dumb. Why can't I set up my own games any time I wish? Why do I have to be lucky enough to be the douche with the fastest connection? Why can't I search for rooms that exclusively disallow auto-aim? Why do I consistently lose party members when we exit party mode to give the matchmaking games a try?

Why was it a better decision to allow online players access to a neutered version of the entire city instead of say, limiting us to one feature full island at a time? How much fun would it be to have drunk driving contests? Or maybe just shoot some pool and play some darts. It was really disappointing to excitedly ditch whatever mission we were doing, pissing off the English twits we were assigned by Rockstar to play with, and run in the strip club expecting a bar full of dancers and patrons to set fire to only to find a gloomily empty set.

Speaking of the strippers; why are their bodies so horrifying to behold? It's like the graphics in this game are fantastic as long as the models keep their clothes on. It's as if a voodoo priest unleashed a curse on Liberty City that causes the undead to gyrate against our penises instead of eating our brains. I'm not sure which is the more horrifying prospect.

But at least the animation is good. Except when Rockstar decides to sacrifice controls for the sake of smooth animation. Sometimes, I just want Nico's eastern european ass to turn around. He doesn't need to shift his weight and lean into it in with hyper-realism. He needs to do it fast because there's some Russian asshole shooting me in the back of the head. Damn it. I felt like I was playing Flash Back at times.

Speaking of controls: screw the helicopter! Why does it take five seconds for Nico to jump out of the damn thing? And when he does, why can't he have a parachute? I mean, I'm not that obsessive over features that were left out, but why the parachutes? Why, with a game that features dozens of skyscrapers to base jump from, would they not include the parachute? Was it really more important to have a hundred hours of not-that-funny radio satire than to have a really fun gameplay feature?

Seriously, Rockstar. You're teetering into A- territory here. You might as well sell out to EA now because as far as I'm concerned, the magic is gone.

Review: Army of Two

Grade: B
Time Spent Playing: 5 hours

Before I get into this review, I should note that I never played any part of this game in single player. I have a feeling that playing the campaign by yourself is a dreadful task equaled only by watching baseball or, even worse, playing baseball.

Also, I had a fair number of beers. So, taking a wild guess, playing this game by yourself and sober would probably be a C- experience.

Anyway, with cold High Life's at the ready and my very own Joey Coco in tow, I set about making my way through the bullets and bombs dude-athon that is Army of Two. There is some sort of story in the game that has you shooting lots and lots of thugs of differing ethnicities in exotic locales culminating with a face off with a guy with a brohawk. To be honest, I purposefully didn't pay attention to the story and my experience was likely the better for it.

While the graphics and audio are of remarkable quality, what truly shines in this game is the cooperative gunplay. While the first few levels allow you to run from room to room like a couple of rambos, the difficulty soon swings upward and with it, the fun. Once you're forced to play smart and use cover and makes use of cooperative tactics, the game goes from amusing yet forgettable shoot 'em up to an engaging and often challenging experience.

There are also fun little additions like the "fist pump" button and the ability to literally pimp out your weapons. On the other hand, the weapons store is somewhat mystifying, featuring weapons so expensive we still didn't have the money to purchase them on the very last level of the game.

I'm looking forward to this game's inevitable sequel. While it does have its flaws, it succeeds in spite of them. With proper handling, the sequel could be the triple A title this one so desperately wanted to be.

A personal note: Sorry it's been so long since I updated this blog. I recently uprooted myself from Louisville and moved to the milder climes of Portland, Oregon. Expect me to start arbitrarily drifting into rants about the merits of riding bikes and eating organic food.

Review: Lost

Grade: C
Time Spent Playing: 4 hours
Rental Only!

It's difficult to gauge the overall quality of Lost. It's entirely dependent on whether you're a fan of the show. If that isn't the case, then don't even bother reading the rest of the review because there is very little here to warrant playing through for a non-fan. I do, however, make one funny joke, so maybe it's worth your time.

This is pretty much fan-service in interactive form. There's some kind of adventure game tucked away in here but I can't think of better way to describe it than as being gentle-adventure gaming. The backdrops are gorgeous; some of the best graphics I've seen period. The characters models based on the actors we're familiar with range from funny to scary. Micheal reminded me of what the Little Rascal character Buckwheat might have looked like in his teen years had the cast not been put to death by their studio overlords upon reaching puberty.

The story is a mixed bag. While the character's story on the island isn't that engaging and disappointingly ends with a Wizard of Oz twist, the story in his flash backs is interesting because it turns out he was kind of a huge piece of shit in his past life. While games like GTA and Saint's Row have you playing as morally reprehensible jackasses, it doesn't really matter in terms of the viewer's connection to the story because there's a cartoonish detachment to the world and the characters. The story presented in Lost's flashbacks will actually shock you. I distinctly recall thinking to myself, "Wow. What a piece of shit."

The gameplay isn't so much broken as it is boring. The hardest parts are generally when you're making your way to different areas on the island, avoiding the monster and the Others who, in the games biggest departure from the show, spend most of their time hanging out in trees shooting at hapless travelers. You'll also have to do some spelunking, which really isn't that much fun either. To aid you in your quest, you'll barter for useful items like guns and torches with items like chocolate bars and beers that you find as you explore the island.

So I begrudgingly recommend a playthrough for Losties. Do be aware it's not that great of a game. It has some nice visuals and the character may eventually be introduced on the show.