Sony Europe: Colossal Idiots Will Make PS3 A Success

While the Xbox 360 remains strong in North America and the United Kingdom and the Nintendo Wii continues to fly off store shelves the world over, Sony is hoping to stake its claim on Europe with the help of the world's largest demographic: grade A fucking morons.

Citing Nintendo's success with simpletons' infatuation with digital doppelgangers and gentle gaming, Sony Europe feels that Home, the new social playground where user created avatars wait around for hours until the opportunity to mime-rape the rare female avatar appears, is the ultimate lure to this elusive yet profitable buying base.

During a recent visit to the Robotronic Dynamite! offices, Home's European service manager, Dan Hill, said, "We've put together the ultimate user experience. You can buy, with real money, digital clothes licensed to feature name brands for your avatar!"

When asked if he felt Microsoft might have preempted Sony's attempt at reaching the casual gamer with its Avatars, Mr. Hill responded, "While Microsoft's Avatars are a nice attempt at luring soccer moms, nascar dads, senile octogenarians, and bachelor uncles into buy the 360, the fact remains that you can't take your avatar and do rad stuff like buy fake crap at fake stores to dress up your fake apartment! Sony knows what people need in these tough economic times; to waste money on useless shit that won't enrich their lives to any extent whatsoever!"

RD! put in a call to Mr. Fils-Aime of Nintendo to find out if he was at all concerned about Sony's aggressive push for mainstream relevance, but were unable to reach him as he had apparently eaten his phone.

Review: Fallout 3

Grade: A+
Time Spent Playing: 20 hours


This is the kind of game I longingly dreamt of when I was a child. Well, that hypothetical game probably had more boobs in it.

My meaning is actually quite simple: Fallout 3 feels, more than any game I can recall, like the evolution of the medium. Instead of being bound to the designer's linear will, I'm free to make my own way. In his infamous essay arguing against video games as art, Roger Ebert cited the observer's control over events as a key reason as to why video games were not art. I would offer this game as the antithesis to that argument. Were it not for the tremendous freedom the player enjoys in Fallout, its commentary on mankind's natural inclination toward petty barbarism and its message that doing good is its own end would be completely lost because it's the choices the player makes that reflect these themes.

But Roger Ebert was silly for writing that article. His point of reference was Myst and, as Bioshock cleverly highlighted last year, the observer generally has little to no control on the outcome of events in a video game.

Fallout 3 begins with your character's birth and gives brief glimpses into his life before he follows dear old Dad into the unknown. As an escapee from an underground vault meant to preserve mankind from annihilation, you will embark on a journey across a ruined world; a wasteland of humanity where might makes right, mutants pillage, abominations devour human flesh, and opportunistic slavers ply their trade. The waste is sparse, irradiated death and the waste is your constant companion.

I find myself drawn to combing the hellish desert more so than kicking around towns and the magnificently rendered ruins of Washington DC. Every moment feels dire. Every moment feels like a possible end awaits nearby. The desert, largely quiet, is indifferent to my trespass; knowing that I too fade away with time.

Fallout 3 isn't perfect, but to list any complaints seems an obtuse task. Much better to use my time reflecting on what an amazing game Bethesda has put together.

"Jump" Button In Mega Man 9 To Be DLC

It appears that Capcom's earlier, pre-release announcement that Proto Man
will be available as down loadable content in Mega Man 9 was only the
tip of the iceberg, as a new press release from the respected game
publisher revealed that the ability to jump will also require a
microtransaction. At 2 dollars (200 Wii points, 160 MS points), the jump option will allow players to leap to higher platforms as well
as dodge enemy blasters with ease. The news is already sending
shockwaves throughout the gamer community, such as displayed by neogaf
forum member, kratosephiroth420:



"this is so ghey u know its becaus tehy sold out to M$. damn fuck capcom never should have ported DMC4. there ghey"



In an exclusive phone interview with Robotronic Dynamite!, series
producer Keiji Inafune defended the decision, "People are saying that
the game is virtually unplayable without the jump. This is simply not
true. Look, I'm playing the game right now without the jump and it's fine."



When we reminded Mr. Inafune that we were conducting a phone interview
and therefore could not see him playing the game, he proceeded to
pretend he didn't speak english and hung up.



Stay logged in to RD! for further updates on this breaking story.

Review: Sid Meier's Civilization Revolution

Rating: B+
Time Spent Playing: 20 to 30 hours

There was a point during my time spent with the new console friendly Civ in which I stopped wondering to myself, "why did they take this feature out?" and just started enjoying the game for what it is. I imagine this obstacle will prevent more than a few hardcore Civ fans from fully appreciating what a great and unique experience this game is. It feels, especially when played online with friends, how I imagine a board game version of Civ might feel. It's Catan on steroids.

One of the game's key successes is the controls. Designing a game around a controller produces far better results than trying to cram the complicated controls of a keyboard and mouse into a gamepad. It's for this same reason that I suspect if an RTS will ever find success on a console, it will be one designed specifically for console, a la Halo Wars. There is a bit of a learning curve with acting efficiently--a crucial skill when playing the timed rounds of multiplayer--but after two or three games everyone should be founding cities, researching techs, and reigning bloody devastation upon their enemies with ease.

The transformation of Civ from a primarily single player game to multi player is remarkable. Human opponents make for far more entertaining foils than AI ever will. The idea of everyone moving at the same time seems chaotic but generally works quite well.

There are faults to be found. Single player AI essentially results in every competing civilization waging endless war on you. I've been playing on deity difficulty lately and even when I'm in near last place in every category, even as the French are launching their space station into space, all focus is on my English rubes who've barely figured out rail roads.

Multi player probably drags on a bit too long for anything outside of play with friends. Gameplay is titled far more towards winning by Domination and Monetary victories. I don't recall anyone ever winning via Culture.

As far as elements from previous Civs dropped for this game, there is only one that I find truly annoying and mystifying as to its absence. The ability to upgrade units to their new tech equivalent with gold. As it is, it can only be done by building a specific wonder, making that wonder far more useful than just about any other.

Project Disappointment

Fear was a solid game that was over-appreciated, as is their custom, by PC fps enthusiasts for its impressive technical qualities. Its biggest fault--more so than even the generic, Saturday morning cartoon look of the enemies--was the environments. Office buildings are terrible places to work; I don't know why anyne would set a game there.

For whatever reason, the devs decided to once more head back into the world of cubicles and break rooms. I was also hoping for a new villain, as creepy little girl spirits bent on indiscriminate vengeance is cliche at this point. Maybe I'll pick it up for the multiplayer that no one but the psychopaths who memorize spawn patterns will bother to particpate in.

Blah.

Game of the Year 2008: Confirmed

Perhaps you're thinking to yourself, "maybe he's jumping the gun here. There's a ton of great, high quality games coming out this year. And some people don't like games that give you the freedom to do whatever you want."

Just remember: you're dumb and John William is very, very smart.

Review: Army of Two

Grade: B
Time Spent Playing: 5 hours

Before I get into this review, I should note that I never played any part of this game in single player. I have a feeling that playing the campaign by yourself is a dreadful task equaled only by watching baseball or, even worse, playing baseball.

Also, I had a fair number of beers. So, taking a wild guess, playing this game by yourself and sober would probably be a C- experience.

Anyway, with cold High Life's at the ready and my very own Joey Coco in tow, I set about making my way through the bullets and bombs dude-athon that is Army of Two. There is some sort of story in the game that has you shooting lots and lots of thugs of differing ethnicities in exotic locales culminating with a face off with a guy with a brohawk. To be honest, I purposefully didn't pay attention to the story and my experience was likely the better for it.

While the graphics and audio are of remarkable quality, what truly shines in this game is the cooperative gunplay. While the first few levels allow you to run from room to room like a couple of rambos, the difficulty soon swings upward and with it, the fun. Once you're forced to play smart and use cover and makes use of cooperative tactics, the game goes from amusing yet forgettable shoot 'em up to an engaging and often challenging experience.

There are also fun little additions like the "fist pump" button and the ability to literally pimp out your weapons. On the other hand, the weapons store is somewhat mystifying, featuring weapons so expensive we still didn't have the money to purchase them on the very last level of the game.

I'm looking forward to this game's inevitable sequel. While it does have its flaws, it succeeds in spite of them. With proper handling, the sequel could be the triple A title this one so desperately wanted to be.

A personal note: Sorry it's been so long since I updated this blog. I recently uprooted myself from Louisville and moved to the milder climes of Portland, Oregon. Expect me to start arbitrarily drifting into rants about the merits of riding bikes and eating organic food.

Review: Lost

Grade: C
Time Spent Playing: 4 hours
Rental Only!

It's difficult to gauge the overall quality of Lost. It's entirely dependent on whether you're a fan of the show. If that isn't the case, then don't even bother reading the rest of the review because there is very little here to warrant playing through for a non-fan. I do, however, make one funny joke, so maybe it's worth your time.

This is pretty much fan-service in interactive form. There's some kind of adventure game tucked away in here but I can't think of better way to describe it than as being gentle-adventure gaming. The backdrops are gorgeous; some of the best graphics I've seen period. The characters models based on the actors we're familiar with range from funny to scary. Micheal reminded me of what the Little Rascal character Buckwheat might have looked like in his teen years had the cast not been put to death by their studio overlords upon reaching puberty.

The story is a mixed bag. While the character's story on the island isn't that engaging and disappointingly ends with a Wizard of Oz twist, the story in his flash backs is interesting because it turns out he was kind of a huge piece of shit in his past life. While games like GTA and Saint's Row have you playing as morally reprehensible jackasses, it doesn't really matter in terms of the viewer's connection to the story because there's a cartoonish detachment to the world and the characters. The story presented in Lost's flashbacks will actually shock you. I distinctly recall thinking to myself, "Wow. What a piece of shit."

The gameplay isn't so much broken as it is boring. The hardest parts are generally when you're making your way to different areas on the island, avoiding the monster and the Others who, in the games biggest departure from the show, spend most of their time hanging out in trees shooting at hapless travelers. You'll also have to do some spelunking, which really isn't that much fun either. To aid you in your quest, you'll barter for useful items like guns and torches with items like chocolate bars and beers that you find as you explore the island.

So I begrudgingly recommend a playthrough for Losties. Do be aware it's not that great of a game. It has some nice visuals and the character may eventually be introduced on the show.

Review: Stranglehold

Grade: C-
Time Spent Playing: 5-6 hours

If I were reviewing Stranglehold based off of the first level, I could have provided some kind of awesome pull quote like, "A thrilling, thrill-a-minute, thrill ride!" Regrettably, the developers opted not to call it a day after finishing the first level and soldiered on, making sure to quash any potential this title might have had. Not that there isn't any fun to be had on the third level; it's just that in between bouts of destroying meticulously constructed set pieces, you have notions of, "I'm doing the exact same thing over and over again. But man, is it pretty."

It was about halfway through the Museum of Chicago level that I started to transition from thinking this was a fun, if repetitive shooter to realizing the game kinda sucks. What happened? The enemies--the common enemies--became bullet sponges, forcing you to spend most of your time taking cover instead of pulling off the silly, flashy maneuvers the game was sold on. It was then that I started to really hate the "go into a room, clear guys, now clear fifty more guys who will randomly pop out of eight to ten different doors--sometimes right behind you!" formula.

The other main offense, stupidly lame boss battles, isn't worth complaining about because, honestly, I would have still liked the game a lot if that was all that was wrong with it. By the end of it, as I died over and over again, I questioned why I was bothering. Surely, it was the amazing and compelling story that pushed me forward.

Nah. The story is insipid. I wonder why they bothered coming up with justification for what could be called, "Chow Yun Fat Shoots Thousands of Chinamen in their Bing Bongs." It has something to do with a past lover I don't remember from Hard Boiled and a daughter they had together and something about bringing balance back to the force by shooting as many Chinese people in the ball sack as possible. What's even worse was the presentation. Some of the Chinese characters speak normal, mid-west English while others sound like they're auditioning for Kung Fu: The Animated Series. Perhaps it's some clever comment on the state of ABC versus FOB relations.

For his part, I'm fairly certain Chow phoned his lines in from a bar where one of the producers said to him, "Just figure out ten or so different ways to say, 'I don't need my badge, I'm doing things MY way!' and we'll cut them into the story."

So, in the end: play the demo. Play it two or three times. Skip the full game.

New PS3 Ad Harkens Back to a Holocaustier Time

Apparently yearning to scratch that Nazi nostalgia itch alive in none of us, Sony released this hilariously awful and disgusting piece of advertising.



Click here for the big version!

Review: The Simpsons

Saxamaphone.

Grade: C+
Time Spent Playing: Around five hours

It should be noted that had the Simpsons game started out with a Hostel parody in which Lisa is gruesomely murdered I probably would have given it an A++. Tragically, EA did not have the wherewithal to make my common sensical suggestion a reality. What's more, they actually force you to play as Lisa. Ignoring the urge to send a bullet barreling through your brain everytime you hear her proclaim "Girl Power!" is a mini-game in and of itself.

Which takes me to my larger problem: Why am I playing anyone but Homer? Homer Simpson is late 20th century's sole addition to the ongoing endeavor of western literature. Marge is fine as his foil but after hearing the same intentionally bad joke 20 times over, you forget the intent of the writers and realize it's just bad. Lisa is Lisa, and if you can't intuit why she sucks you probably should swallow some tacks or something. Bart is ok, and is probably necessary because it doesn't make much sense for Homer to interact with myriad of kid characters from the show, but in all honestly he stopped being cool when I turned 13 or so.

Yes. Homer is who we crave to play.

The Simpsons is an action/puzzler/platformer. The puzzling is its strongest element. The fighting is infuriating as the characters' melee attacks are so limited and unpowerful and their ranged attacks have a seriously limited ammo supply. The platforming is ok, but never great. That's the overall impression of this game. It never works the magic that truly good games do. I had to literally play the game in 30 minute intervals lest I get too bored. All the pieces are there, they're just not working as they should. Taste the mediocrity.

The graphics are pretty good, though they really should have have drawn thicker lines around the characters to help them pop out and to reduce the jaggedness. I was playing in 1080 resolution and the lines still didn't look clean.

The saddest part: I don't remember laughing more than a handful of times during my entire play through.

Comments From Idiots

I derive a perverse pleasure from comments provided by morons on video games news sites, so I decided to start a regular column where everyone could enjoy them. I can't guarantee how often I'll do this, because it's totally dependent on how often the websites decide to post flame bait.

For my inaugural post on this topic, I've used Joystiq's recent poll over which console players expect to buy GTA4 for. It seems to me there are a few reasonable arguments.

For either:

I prefer the controller
I only own this particular system
More of my friends own this system and I'd like to play with them
I simply prefer to play on this system
Through shady dealings, I'm getting it for this console for free/discounted

PS3:
Playing online is free
Due to it's largely superior specs, I believe it will be better on PS3

Xbox 360:
Achievements
Exclusive downloadable content
Custom soundtracks
Though it costs more, Xbox live provides a better experience than PSN

If I left anything out, please forgive me.

Now, let the retardation begin!


phizzy contends:

"Achievements don't make a game better. Certainly don't make a game 'fuller'. They just give you the opportunity to wave your imaginary penis about at internet people."

I often wonder what it's like to one day wake up stupid.

ridgerich79 says: "I really don't care about the multiplayer b/c I haven't been playing my 360 lately."

It's called a non sequitur. Look it up.

He goes on: "I also hope R* doesn't screw up the PS3 ver. like many other 3rd party publishers have done in the past. What am I saying, this is R*, who actually care about the games they make unlike other publishers *cough*EA/Valve*cough*"

Yes. Valve doesn't care about the games it releases.

Fag.

mystic opines: "God I LOVE you idiots who scream RROD. I only know one other person who owns a PS3 besides me, and guess what, his PS3 DIED ON HIM a week after he got it! It's not so much the 360 is a higher failure rate, it's because the 360 is played more, and it's because you dumb sony fanboys don't go screaming on the internet when it breaks because you LOVE your Sony brand and don't want to tarnish your favorite brand and company. Get a mind of your own kids."

Le sigh.

Of course, I can sort of understand his frustration with posts like this, from "this guy":

"As of now, I'm leaning toward PS3 though because it's a much more reliable system. 360 is always breaking down. "

My Xbox 360 broke down once. Once broken down, it would not play any games. I sent if off and got a repaired one. How exactly do you keep playing a system that is constantly breaking down? Why haven't you sent it back for repair? What does dick taste like?

rc adds: "There is a lot of buzz out there that GTA IV runs and looks better on the PS3."


Yeah. My mom told me while she poured milk into my wheaties.

hdhrant suggests: "There should be 2 more options: Both & Neither."

Show me the person that buys two console versions of a game and I'll show you someone who eats turds for quarters.

please writes: "Xbox owners get 100 hours of comfort

PS owners get future arthritis(unless you have Asian effeminate hands)"

Actually, in burning Asians, this kid is dead on.

Finally, a game for douchebags by douchebags

It's hard to imagine how this game could be anything other than the best thing ever.

Darkness Is Spreadin'

I've noticed there's a general ennui among the gaming press about the new Alone in the Dark. Perhaps it's a simple case of seeing previews for a game for too long a time--this trailer is actually the first thing I've bothered to check out--but I think this game is promising. Granted, it's hard to discern if gameplay can match the hypnotic effect of the guy's leather jacket but there's plenty to be excited about here. I really like how the inventory screen is just him looking down at his belt and inside his jacket.

I just wish I could figure out why he wastes a bullet to obtain a sword...