RD! Gets Exlusive Excerpt From Halo Novel

On the 25th day of November, all normal day to day activities will come to a halt in lieu of picking up the newest novel based off the Halo Universe.  In a world wide exclusive, Robotronic Dynamite! has been granted permission to post the prologue from the tome most anticipated by literary critics this year.

Space Year 2506

22 hundred hours

Planet Epsilon 4

The Spartan strode around the death and destruction in a manner that was bad ass even for a Spartan.  Around him were the dead bodies of many Elites. Blue, red, white, and other ones you haven't seen in the games.  One of the bodies twitched and the Spartan pulled his gun from his gun holder.

Bang.

Head shot.

Suddenly, a giant tank attacked him from the rear.  The Spartan spun around and shot him with two guns like in a John Woo movie.

"Tanks for playing," he quipped as he stuck a sticky grenade on the tank.  The tank exploded.

An Elite crawled out of the top. Half of its was body gone.  The Spartan pulled out his rocket launcher and shot it.  Parts of it flew all over the battle field.

"You did a fine job, son," said a voice from his walkie talkie.

"Thanks, Captain Blackheart," said the Spartan.

"We need you two clicks over for a fight!" said Captain Blackheart.

"Yes, sir!" Said the Spartan.  He cocked his shotgun and jumped into his warthog.  No, it was a scorpion.  He jumped into his scorpion and rode toward the new fight.

This is the stroy of a Spartan.  A Spartan name Logan. Logan Kaine.

Nintendo Offers Useless Shit to Compliment Shitty Game Lineup

Nintendo announced that Club Nintendo, a loyalty service in Japan that awards points for Nintendo purchases that are redeemed for useless shit, will make its way to American shores by the end of the year. The move is seen by many industry insiders as Nintendo making amends for its disastrous E3 presentation.

"We want the hardcore Nintendo fans, the ones who have been with us since Mario humped his first flagpole, to know that they come first with us. So, this fall, when they're dutifully buying our shitty games and going on message boards and justifying why they blindly support us, they can do so in some ridiculous, oversized Mario hat that only a complete douche bag would wear," said VP of Thuggery Reggie Fils-Amie shortly after bursting through the wall of Robotronic Dynamite! offices like the Kool-Aid Man.

When pressed for further details, Fils-Amie pushed us against the wall and threatened to beat us up if we didn't hand over our milk money. After we did, he exited through the very hole he'd created only moments before.

MS Attributes Recent Success in Japan to Exclusive RPGs, Xbox Live, and Raping Tentacles

For the second week in a row, the Xbox 360 has managed the seemingly impossible and bested the  PS3 in Japanese hardware sales.  Long considered a lost territory to the American born system due to the complete failure of the original Xbox and the mild reception the 360 had garnered up till now, Japan seems to be slowly awakening to the console's hissing siren call.

In an exclusive phone interview with RD!, Xbox Japan Boss Takashi Sensui said, "We think the audience is responding to the great exclusive RPGs like Tales of Vesperia and Infinite Undiscovery and they are also enjoying the robust online experience provided by Xbox Live.  Also, they really enjoy how it sprouts tentacles and rapes young women."

Sensui revealed that as part of tailoring the New Xbox Experience to Japanese tastes, they've included a feature that allows the Xbox 360 to sprout giant, cephalopodic tentacles that seek out nubile women and rape them.  It was planned to release with the rest of the NXE later this fall, but the situation in Japan was deemed so dire, Sensui approved the release of the beta.

"The full version will be so much more robust," he added. "You'll be able to choose the color, the texture.  Right now they only commit vaginal rape, but the final version will seek out any opening for violation.  It also won't be limited to women; we don't want to leave you guys out on all of the fun! The best part is, the number of tentacles is tied to your gamerscore.  If you have very little gamerscore, you'll only get one tentacle, but if you have over 20,000; oh man, watch out!"

RD! was allowed to download the full version and will be posting our impressions soon.  Needless to say, use of the updated Xbox 360 around the office has proved a great distraction.

Interview With Distinguished Game Writer Fails to Answer Crucial Question: Is she dunkable?

Esteemed video game blog joystiq published an interview with Susan O'Connor conducted at the Austin Game Developer's Conference. While the interview revealed her involvement with some of the best selling and highest reviewed games of recent memory, it failed to answer the question addling most readers: do they want to put it in her?

Robotronic Dynamite met with members of the "Pwnsters of the Universe" clan at a Taco Bell to discuss the situation.

"I mean, it's kind of cool how she progressed from waiting tables to working on casual games to working with Cliffy B, but I'm just not sure if I'd hit it or not," notes Jeremy, a rotund boy wearing his black baseball cap in the backward fashion.

"They have a picture up. She looks pretty cute. I'd fill that void," declared curly haired and pock marked Richard.

"But I heard that was a photoshop job. One guy said she had a turkey neck and was over weight," countered Jeremy.

"I bet she got on atkins," suggested Richard.

"Maybe she has a myspace or something. But then those pictures are always all small and people just pick the ones that make them look good anyway, " added Mike, the clan's top head-shotter.

RD! did some digging into Miss O'Connor and while we learned that she's worked on over twenty games, has been awarded honors from DICE and GDC, and routinely speaks at industry conferences across the globe, it could not be ascertained as to whether or not gamers should want to slang that dang dang. Calls to her office have not been answered.

Plaintiffs in God of War Copyright Suit Sued By Collective Geniuses

Seemingly inspired by--or perhaps in direct response to--the lawsuit filed against Sony and game designer David Jaffe by screenwriter Jonathan Bissoon-Dath and concept artist Jennifer Barrette-Herzog over supposed similarities between the God of War series and their unproduced movie, Olympiad, a joint suit was filed against the two by a cavalcade of artists and writers--most of whom long deceased--who claim the duo ripped them off long before Sony and Jaffe. Robotronic Dynamite met with a few of the plaintiffs at a popular, downtown cafe.

"Animated skeletons armed with bad ass swords; I came up with that shit!" exclaimed an irate Ray Harryhausen as he thumbed through the rejected screenplay, "It just goes to show that no one wants to bother with new ideas anymore."

"Yeah, good artists borrow, great artists steal, but hacks turn your creations into garbage," added a more reserved Sophocles, renowned genius. He continued, "A guy whose foul temper
results in the unraveling of everything he loves. I wonder where they got that idea?"

I asked the acclaimed tragedian if he were still talking about Olympiad or if he had moved on to critiquing God of War, to which Euripides stepped in:

"It's not like God of War is the most creative thing in the world. I mean; it's fun, but it's also
kind of thugishly stupid. They pretty much cast Stone Cold Steve Austin as the cliched, tragic antihero whose only function is to murder countless people, animals, and gods while occasionally shouting 'Ares!'. Where's the drama? Where's the comment on the human condition?"

The mind that birthed Medea paused for a moment, but continued, "Look, we really
didn't mind all of the blatant ripping off of our work. We're just annoyed that someone would claim that they created it. And that they would lay claim to something as hilariously dumb as God of War. It's insulting, to be honest. I mean, I guess that's what you get when two
hyphenated last names team up with each other."

In response to this lawsuit, Bissoon-Dath mostly shrugs, "They claim that I'm not that
creative. Did they even read my script? Zeus's hands turn into fucking light sabers. That's creative as hell!"

Barrete-Herzog echoes in agreement, "They have the audacity to suggest I didn't create
the idea of rickety bridges spanning bottomless expanses. That's insane! That's never been thought of before. Ever."

Legal experts expect the suit to be a "slam dunk" for the plaintiffs.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. ever.

Archive Footage, Radical Graphics, Marketing Lies, and White Supremacy

Classic Sega: Having all of the dumb ideas before anyone else...

The case against rhythm games

As a true gaming enthusiast, I pride myself on enjoying a wide range of game genres. Shooters, action, strategy, rpg, jrpg, fighting, puzzlers; hell, I can even get into Madden if I want to. But there is one genre that just isn't for me: rhythm games. But believe me, this isn't just a personal choice or inclination, I can lay out an objective argument as to why they are the flipper babies of games.

1) Where as most games feature both reactive and proactive gameplay, with the better games leaning toward more proactive elements, rhythm games are entirely reactive.

2) You look really, really stupid when playing them.

3) Rhythm games are the favored genres of pedorasts and zoophiliacs.

I think my first point is self-explanatory. The thing that distinguishes us humans from them stinkin' robits is that we don't just react to stimuli, we are the stimuli. Rhythm games are nothing more than a series of binary instructions; you either follow them to the tee or you fail that particular instruction. Because I'm not the kind of person who presses lips with the drinking fountain, hitting buttons when prompted doesn't seem particularly fun.

If you disagree with me about this, keep in mind that everyone's tastes are different. But it's more likely that you're a pedorast.

As to my second point:



Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "john william, those kids look dumb because they are Asian!"

I had the same initial reaction, but then realized being Asian only makes them look extra dumb. Most of the fault still lies with the rhythm game.



I don't think I can really add to the shame here.



Perhaps the rhythm game's greatest sin: convincing schlubs that they actually look cool. For reasons no normal person can comprehend, denizens of the internet think that posing with their guitar hero controller is really cool--especially if you put on dark sunglasses. Posing with your real guitar is douche baggy; it's the equivalent to being that guy at a party who mentions the band he's in like six or seven times. I don't even know what new level of douche baggery that's been achieved by mentioning the fake band your in.

As to my final point that boy lovers and animal humpers are the primary demographic for these games; I have to admit that the evidence is not quite concrete. But there is correlating data to support my argument.



Fact: John Wayne Gacy loved Dance Dance Revolution

Fact: Guitar Hero was the official party game of the last five NAMBLA meet ups.

Fact: Sheep get terrified when they hear the soundtrack to Um Jammer Lammy.

In conclusion, I've proved beyond all reasonable doubt that rhythm games are gaytarded. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.