john william Divines RD's Oscars of Games

The Robotronic Dynamite! crew is a fickle bunch of semi-evolved apes, spending most of
their time hanging outside liquor stores asking people to buy them a six pack of
Hamm's or submitting letters to Fangoria magazine. When free of those
primary activities, they're usually playing television games! Their
opinions of such things range broadly and trying to guess which
softwares they'll adore is a nigh impossible task. But don't fret!
Take my hand as I peer unto the future and foretell which cd-rom
entertainments will be the apples of our collective eye.

Best Downloadable Game: Castle Crashers

You can throw your dual stick shooters and your artsy fartsy nonsense
and your retro sequels out the window. Castle Crashers combines
beautiful art, great music, fun cooperative play, allusions to classic
gaming moments, and addictive item hunting into the best downloadable
game this year. I hope they release a full priced sequel that's fully
fleshed out.

Honorable Mentions:

Braid - It's good. Damn good. Plus, it's for people who drink and smoke!

Geometry
Wars 2 - I personally am awful at this game, but there's no denying its
popularity and high quality. The new gameplay modes and score baiting
display a thoughtfulness not often seen in downloadable games.

Mega Man 9 - A poetic ode to gameplay past, it's likely to leave you crying on the floor with a sore tush.

Best Survival Horror Game: Dead Space

Without Resident Evil to defend its crown, Dead Space is likely to usurp the throne; for the time being.

Honorable Mentions:

Siren - Downloadable horror goodness, made by a man who hates scary things. Makes sense when you think about it.

Silent Hill: Homecoming - A competent iteration of the series that more or less holds course in lieu of trying anything new.

Condemned
2 - The average attention span of a Robotronic Dynamite staffer is like
that of a fruit fly. Being released way back in February makes it far
too dim a candle in our memory to be our survival horror king.

Best Racing Game: Burnout Paradise

Let's face it, the only genre more stale than racing is sports. Burnout continues to expand its formula while maintaining the fun, arcade style driving. This iteration featured an open world and a streamlined online interface. While its initial merits would likely cement its position as the year's best racer, the devilish lads at Criterion have continued to add value to the title free of charge. New gameplay modes and even motorcycles have been released via DLC. In the future, entire islands will be added to the game.

Honorable Mentions:

Pure - This ATV racer seems to have blind sided gamers, coming out of nowhere with its intense gameplay and stunning visuals. This is a Disney game?

Motorstorm Pacific Rift - The sequel to last year's million plus seller, this version features more varied environments and 16 player online races.

Wipeout HD - Slick visual and six axis enabled gameplay makes for a compelling downloadable package.

Best Platformer: Prince of Persia

The oft beleaguered prince returns in an all new adventure with a beautiful visual overhaul and further mining of the Ico design document. I'd cry foul at Ubisoft's "borrowing" if it didn't make for such an amazing end.

Honorable Mentions:

Little Big Planet: The creation tools look amazing, intuitive and deep, but that'll likely come at the expense of actually playing the game. In terms of sheer platforming joy, I'll stick with the Prince.

Mirror's Edge: I've been hot for this ever since all that was known of it was that it's a spiritual successor to Breakdown made by DICE and we had one teeny weeny thumbnail to ogle. It's unfortunate they farmed out the character designing to Westwood University.

Sonic Unleashed: Somehow, expectations have slowly been warming up for Sonic's next adventure. Needless to say, recent showings prevent me from forecasting this new iteration as this year's likely winner.

Best Action Game: MGS 4

Though it may over indulge in its story telling, there's no denying the
creative attempts by Kojima Studios to try something new. From fourth
wall breaking to visual allusions to previous iterations of the series,
there's little doubt that Kojima and company want to change the way
creators and users approach games.

Honorable Mentions:

Grand
Theft Auto 4 - A great game that's betrayed by uneven tone and
storytelling in the single player and multi player that needed better
organization. As it is, the online component is akin to John Holmes
with erectile dysfunction; the potential is there, but it's too flaccid
to satiate our desires.

Ninja Gaiden 2 - With finely tuned
gameplay, Itagaki's swan song for Tecmo is a gaming triumph. If only
the camera weren't from crazy town.

Mad World - I actually can't
remember if this game will land this year, but the Wii needs some
actual representation on this list.

Best Shooter: Gears of War 2

Joystiq writer and future Beautiful Boy of Gaming
inductee Ludwig Kietzmann once described Gears of War as "monsters versus
testosterone." It's simply impossible to top that descriptor. A
hardcore game made by hardcore developers for hardcore gamers. While
there is a number of high quality shooters releasing this year, Gears
is king. Plain and simple.

Honorable Mentions:

Left 4
Dead - If Gears weren't releasing, this would undoubtedly take the
crown. Zombies, shotguns, multi player, and on-the-fly scenario
adjustment. What part of that isn't amazing?

Resistance 2 -
This will likely be a great game but the only reason you're playing it
is because you're a moron and don't own a 360. Way to go moron!

Brothers
In Arms: Hell's Highway - Lacking in chainsaws but bringing on the
tactics, this will be the WW2 shooter to beat this fall. Now get to
work on Borderlands!

Far Cry 2 - Someone finally took the basic scenario from Yojimbo and made a game. Can't believe it took so long.

Best RPG: Fallout 3

If you're not into exploring a post-apocalyptic wasteland with your
loyal pooch, dismembering mutants, and detonating nukes, I don't want
to be your friend. In fact, it bothers me that you continue to draw
breathe. Go die.

Honorable Mentions:

Lost Odyssey -
Again, another game lost to the depths of pre-fall release hell. And
only a couple of us played it because, despite the vast amount of
evidence to the contrary, we're actually straight and don't cotton to
pretty mens gallivanting across the countryside.

Fable 2 -
Because everyone's grown accustomed to diminishing their expectations,
it's hard to put this game on a pedestal before it releases. The
recent news that online co-op isn't ready for launch is disconcerting,
to say the least.

Tales of Vesperia - Not winning because I'll
likely be the only one to have played it by the end of the year. It's
only real fault is that it isn't Fallout 3.

Best MMORPG: None

The
notion that any parties involved with an MMORPG, whether developer or
player, is a winner is a complete paradox, therefore, no award is
necessary.

Best Box Art: Mega Man 9

Too obvious a choice? Perhaps. But look at it. It's amazing.



Honorable Mentions:

Undoubtedly, this will be a game gone unplayed by us and nearly everyone one of you reading this. That doesn't mean the cover isn't spectacular, though. It reminds of the cover of a pulp adventure novel for young adults.

A nice, highly detailed cover that tricks you into thinking you won't be committing an unforgivable sin against the self and your fellow man by purchasing and playing it.

It features a caveman with sneakers and a t-rex in the background. How did this one not get the win?

Biggest Disappointment: Contested!

Personal disappointment is a tricky thing to gauge, a delicate mixture of unjustified hype and crushing disappointment. So, this particular "honor" will be left undetermined until the end of the year. There are, however, a few titles that I know some RD staffers have soured on.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Spore - Spore is a pretty good game that should have been great. The creation tools are top notch but the meat and potatoes of what you actually do during gameplay makes for a light dinner.

Lost Odyssey - A big budget jrpg from master game designer Hironobu Sakaguchi that was promised to make JoE Shieh cry. It did, but not as expected!

Too Human - Risking a three hour seminar on respecting people's feelings over the internet, it's fair to say this game hit with a large thud. It isn't bad, but a few awful design decisions really drag down the fun. Also, Dyack is kind of a douche.

Alone In the Dark - The game included some novel approaches to game design with its DVD style chapter skipping and a truly intriguing inventory system. Unfortunately, the answer to every monster seemed to be to set it on fire, making most of the item concocting useless. Hopefully the fixes in the PS3 port will redeem this title.

Game of the Year: Gears of War 2

As
certain as I am that Fallout 3 will be my personal fave, I'm fairly
certain the consensus will be behind Gears 2 and its expanded online
gameplay. Plus, we're aching to see its illogical and
indeterminable story. Just, please, no more invincible bosses.

The Dumb Rule the World: Blood Playstation

I was going to make the first post of the new recurring column, The Dumb Rule the World, about the kerfuffle over RE5. Seeing as Capcom has either given in to the complaints of the irrational knee jerkers out there or they really did plan all along to present Africa as a place largely populated by whitey, there really isn't much to add to the story.

Luckily, there are more dumb people to make fun of.

I bet you always thought playing your tv games was an activity that really didn't bother other people. Sure, sometimes you left the volume up too loud and woke up your neighbor, but that was it. I bet you didn't realize that your thirst for Metal Gears and Final Fantasies was quenched with the blood of child slaves.

Now that your eyes have been opened to the atrocities of console manufacturing, here are some other factoidoids to think about.

The special coating on Blu Ray discs is actually made from juicing the eyes of kittens and puppies.

The Xbox 360 isn't actually overheating due to faulty design. There's a tiny portal to Hell in the back of each one where Beelzebub and his ilk transmit messages to you while you sleep so you'll rape, murder, and cannibalize your whole family. M$ (see what I did there?) really is an evil corporation!

The battery packs found in wireless controllers are made from the crushed bones of Somali war orphans.

As part of his research during the concept development phase of Pikmin, Shigeru Miyamoto would regularly kidnap small boys and drown then in the pond behind his house.

The case against rhythm games

As a true gaming enthusiast, I pride myself on enjoying a wide range of game genres. Shooters, action, strategy, rpg, jrpg, fighting, puzzlers; hell, I can even get into Madden if I want to. But there is one genre that just isn't for me: rhythm games. But believe me, this isn't just a personal choice or inclination, I can lay out an objective argument as to why they are the flipper babies of games.

1) Where as most games feature both reactive and proactive gameplay, with the better games leaning toward more proactive elements, rhythm games are entirely reactive.

2) You look really, really stupid when playing them.

3) Rhythm games are the favored genres of pedorasts and zoophiliacs.

I think my first point is self-explanatory. The thing that distinguishes us humans from them stinkin' robits is that we don't just react to stimuli, we are the stimuli. Rhythm games are nothing more than a series of binary instructions; you either follow them to the tee or you fail that particular instruction. Because I'm not the kind of person who presses lips with the drinking fountain, hitting buttons when prompted doesn't seem particularly fun.

If you disagree with me about this, keep in mind that everyone's tastes are different. But it's more likely that you're a pedorast.

As to my second point:



Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "john william, those kids look dumb because they are Asian!"

I had the same initial reaction, but then realized being Asian only makes them look extra dumb. Most of the fault still lies with the rhythm game.



I don't think I can really add to the shame here.



Perhaps the rhythm game's greatest sin: convincing schlubs that they actually look cool. For reasons no normal person can comprehend, denizens of the internet think that posing with their guitar hero controller is really cool--especially if you put on dark sunglasses. Posing with your real guitar is douche baggy; it's the equivalent to being that guy at a party who mentions the band he's in like six or seven times. I don't even know what new level of douche baggery that's been achieved by mentioning the fake band your in.

As to my final point that boy lovers and animal humpers are the primary demographic for these games; I have to admit that the evidence is not quite concrete. But there is correlating data to support my argument.



Fact: John Wayne Gacy loved Dance Dance Revolution

Fact: Guitar Hero was the official party game of the last five NAMBLA meet ups.

Fact: Sheep get terrified when they hear the soundtrack to Um Jammer Lammy.

In conclusion, I've proved beyond all reasonable doubt that rhythm games are gaytarded. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.