Retro Review: God of War

Grade: B+
Time Spent Playing: 8 - 10 hours

I actually did try to play this one when it first came out, but the disc was bad and the rental store didn't have any more so I traded it for Doom 3--which I liked, thankyouverymuch.

In God of War, you spend most of your time mercilessly smashing your controller buttons and grunting. In this respect, you really become one with Kratos.

Kratos is actually a character I designed for my never-developed, mid-nineties fighting game, Phancy Disembowler II. To their credit, Sony added a nice dimension to his character by having him yell "Ares!" every few minutes. Plus, he totally bangs chicks (two at a time!) and
feels nothing for his fellow man.

Ok, so I think Kratos is a stupid character. Luckily, this game is really fun. The detailed level deisgn is spectacular and the graphics are amazing for their time. The puzzles, in particular, I found to be truly a joy. The melee combat is fun, though you have to do way too much of it. In fact, it will be a while before I play God of War II because getting locked in a room and fighting off hordes of monsters for 30 minutes just doesn't sound too appetizing at the moment.

Retro Review: Yakuza

Grade: B
Time Spent Playing: 15 hours

Meet Kazuma, awesome badass. As a soldier in the Yakuza, it's his job to collect money and administer beatings where appropriate (hint:it's always appropriate!). Unfortunately for this bare knuckled warrior, he also has this silly sense of honor which gets him into a heap of trouble early in the game and subsequently drives the story.

I remember, years ago, when this game was being previewed, it was often described as a streamlined Shenmue. And that's a fair descriptor; one that carries with it both negatives and positives.

It's similar to Shenmue in that it presents a living world for you to interact with. Though, instead of a small Japanese town or Chinese ghetto, you get to run amok in the Shinjuku district of Tokyo. It does offer less interactivity--no knocking on random strangers' doors--but it still feels like a real place. From what I understand, the representation of Tokyo's red light district is authentic. Except maybe the public park run by hobos that only has one entrance, through a public men's room. Did I also mention that the same hobo dominated park also leads to an underground--literally--black market where the rich and powerful can gamble and buy prostitutes?


In contrast to Shenmue, you're not bogged down with chores, day jobs, bed times, and painfully sex-free relationships with females. Unfortunately, the fighting has been stripped down too, to the point that it's insulting to compare that aspect.

It's a shame the fighting is so simple, because you do a shit ton of it. I'm not even talking about your missions, which offer plenty of opportunity to split lips and bruise egos. I'm talking about random battles. Yeah, like a jrpg. Leave your hideout intending to walk a couple blocks to meet your paid-for-girlfriend and you're bound to get into about three random battles. You do learn new moves and such, but it's pretty much button mashing the whole way through. The saving grace here is the joy found in picking up objects and beating the hell of people. Perhaps if I wasn't forced to do so much of it I wouldn't be as down on it.

The biggest draw for Yakuza is the world it portrays and the story unfolding within it. While the story does start off incredibly strong, in the end it gets too big and borders on ridiculous. It's still good enough to keep you playing, to find out what happens next, but it is disappointing when the potential of the first few hours was so high.

In the end, I'd recommend Yakuza. While the fighting and story do falter, the world realized is worth the price of admission. And Kazuma is a total badass.

Review: Harvey Birdman

Grade: B
Rental Only!
Time Spent Playing: 2

This is a fun and funny little game that will take about two hours to play through. It's a rental only. Unless you can pick it up for five bucks or something.

As I'm only half of the targeted demographic for this game--someone who likes Harvey Birdman but not someone who has played the Ace Attorney games--my opinion may not be fully qualified. But whatever. If you play it and can't deal that it's a much easier version of Ace Attorney, feel free to send me pictures of you cutting yourself over it.

Retro Review: Metal Gear Solid 3

Yeah, three years ago isn't retro, but screw it. I've been playing a lot of older games lately and I want to write about them. The first is a treat, because I'm actually going to discuss concepts outside of gaming. Yeah, yeah, I promise I won't--as my friend and confidant Ice Cube surely would--put your butt to sleep.



Grade: B-
Time Spent Playing: 12 hours

Metal Gear Solid 3 tells the tale of a huge pussy with an abandonment complex who infiltrates a Russian military base for reasons only God can comprehend. The story is moronic and self indulgent. The cut scenes are actually pretty good in terms of action and composition. When Hideo Kojima is trying to make you laugh, you do. When he is trying to make you think, your eyes roll. The acting is good and the characters are pretty memorable, despite the ever present philosophical meanderings of a well intentioned 19 year old.

Make that a well intentioned, Japanese 19 year old. There's this hilarious phenomena among the Japanese as a group: complete and utter denial of anything that might have occurred in the years ranging from 1935 to 1945. The Japanese military of that day did horrible, unspeakable things. Thanks to the denial of the past, the typical modern Japanese citizen believes his ancestors were good. This leads to cognitive dissonance. The only way to mend the idea that Imperial Japan wasn't evil is to come to the conclusion that there is no good and evil, just players on opposing sides. What does that have to do with this game? Because this story hinges on the United States and the USSR being morally equivalent. Why is this a laughable notion? Because while America hasn't been perfect, it didn't kill tens of millions of its own citizens through purpose, neglect, and the sheer incompetence of a controlled economy. America didn't imprison people for disagreeing with those that ruled. America didn't subjugate its neighbors. Do I really need to continue?

So, I've gone on and on about the game's story with no mention of what it's like to play. There's a reason: watching cut scenes is what you'll spend most of your time doing. Outside of watching the game's story, you'll either be running from screen to screen--make no mistake, there's very little reason to actually sneak around when you can just haul ass to the next cut scene--or fighting bosses.

As much as you probably presume I hate this game, fighting the bosses is actually pretty great and ultimately redeems this ridiculous, over-hyped game. The bosses make those neurons fire off, signaling your adrenal glands to start pumping. They tickle the brain as you try to solve the mystery of their undoing. Most notable is The End, a sniper with whom you'll spend an hour or more entangled in a deadly match of hide and seek.

So, in the end you have a game with a story that fails on fundamental levels, sneaking gameplay that fails because you needn't bother, and boss fights that are fun and memorable. Can the boss fights be good enough to warrant playing through this game?

Yes.